God is Bigger than the Giants

It has been a rough couple of days.  Right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.  I sometimes feel like I have nothing left.  I don't know if I can hear anymore disapointing news, because I don't know if I can handle it.  It has been an emotional roller coaster and there are those moments where I don't feel like riding it anymore.  I feel like I'm living my very own movie of "Facing the Giants."  Only it has nothing to do with football.  I have had many questions that don't feel like they've been answered.  I don't know if you want me to write something like this, but I've said this before; when I write a blog, it is honest, sometimes I lay it all out there and most of them I become vulnerable with.  But you know that I will also share the lesson learned, and there is a point that is made.  For those of you that are new readers, bare with me on this and I do hope you all read this one to the end and will feel encouraged by it.

It has been a rough year.  For a long time now it seems as though one battle has come after the other. I feel like the raging storms aren't still very often.  Even through the highest wave, and the strongest force, God has been fighting the battle for me.  Today God has given me a reminder that He is bigger than the "mean giants" of my life.  God is crushing those giants and no matter how hard they may try to break me, they can't.  My sister referred to me as being like a palm tree.  They are tall and flemsy trees that can bend far, but they are strong and no matter how far they bend the cannot be broken.  This is  metephorphically speaking.  I have been bent far and I don't feel like I can bend any further.  But I know I have to rely on God's promise to me that He will never give me more than I can bare.  I know that God is here with me.  The phrase I always say is true.  (God's got this.)  Though sometimes  the enemy causes me to wonder, he still can't destroy me.  There have been many people in my life that have tried to discourage me and tell me I'm not good enough or talented enough and many other discouraging words.  Maybe you have had the same thing happen to you.  You know what we can tell those people that try to knock us down?  If we were good enough, we wouldn't need God.  But we rely totally on God's strength to walk us through and lead us to what He calls us to do.  There is NOTHING impossible with God!  Absolutely NOTHING!  At the end of the movie, "Facing the Giants," that is the scripture that they quoted.  What everyone thought as an impossible situation, became possible through God's mighty power.  Even though the this time may be incredibly hard, I can rest assured that God is going to heal me, and the dreams that He planted on my heart are going to become a reality in His time.  Even though I have been struck down many times by physical problems, people downing me, laughing at me, and telling me I'm not smart enough, no matter what element the enemy will try to use to destroy me, I can't be destroyed and neither can you.  With God's power, ALLTHINGS are possible.

Here is a song, that I have heard recently and instantly became one of my favorites.  Listen to the words, and may the God of hope and all possibilities uplift you today.  Remember He's bigger than the giants in your life, and will crush them like a bug.  Just keep trusting in Him.

It's Only His Strength

Today, marks the three year anniversary of my official start with YWAM. I'm not going to beat around the bush here, so let me just say it has been a tough few years! I will also say it has been the best few years. There has been a lot God has led me through. He has strengthened my faith remarkably, and I have to say, I serve an awesome God. My story doesn't start at just three years ago, it starts from the very beginning of my life. I've had my share of hardships for as long as I can remember. There has been numorous trials such as surgeries, school struggles, tragic famiiy deaths and sickness, my own near death experience and more; now today, I'm struggling with more physical difficulties, working on walking again, and not having very much physical strength, it all has been very hard. I don't know why I have been taken away from San Diego for this long. I want to be out there in the streets sharing God's love. Why am I here? I've struggled with trying to understand the reasons and asking why is this happening. Though Jesus has always kept and continues to keep me going forward with a hope and joy in my heart. No matter what happens that can never be taken away from me. Jesus knows how I feel, in every circumstance. He has experienced every pain and trial and more suffering than anyone. He did that because He loves us so much. Jesus knows that this earth is full of suffering and trial, and He does understand. That is why I can keep going, because I have the strength of my everlasting Father carrying me through. I know that God is with me, He's got this. It has been one thing happening after another, and the enemy is trying so hard to get me down. I may be struck down but not destroyed, persecuted but not abandoned, I am more than a conqueror through Christ. These past few weeks I have been struggling a lot. The pain both emotionally and physically have gotten intense at times. Though I am not alone. It may feel like it at times, but God is there. His strength is what I need. God has been preparing me for the call He has placed on my heart. It is a passion that is so strong that I know God has given it to me. He has called me to love and serve the hurting and lost people. Be wants me to be able to minister to them, but also to have more of an understanding. How can I understand how someone who hurts feels, without going through it myself? God has given me the strength I need for each day, and the day is coming when I can return back to ministry. Though I may not be ministering in San Diego right now, God is still using me somehow. He is allowing me to touch more lives and help people. I don't always see it, but that is okay because it is not for me to know, it is for God to be glorified.

When does it Make Sense?

That is a question that I often think to myself. I've come to those times in life many times. I think I lost count to be honest with you. There has been times when I have said it just isn't fair. I don't understand why the road has turned in ways that weren't on my map. I probably will never understand completely why things happened the way they do. It has been a long time since I've written and shared with you all the latest on my life. I wasn't quite sure what to say since there hasn't been a ton of changes. However as I am writing this now, I felt God leading me to share more in depth about what's up. There have been those times that discouragement has sunk in. It honestly can be very hard at times to stay uplifted and find joy in tough circumstances. Sometimes I've felt totally blue. The times when I do is usually when I'm asking the big question of "why?." You know, there is no solid answer to that question. God allows me to have those "blue" moments, but He also brings me out of them. I have to remember that God sees the big picture and I don't. I may not see the purpose of this time of waiting and healing, but it is more than a time of waiting and healing, it is a time of preparation for what is yet to come. God has used me in ways that I don't always know, and He continues to. God has been working in me my entire life. My attitude should be Christ-minded and it is not my will but His will. The way that God uses me is for Him to be glorified. THrough all of the suffering and tough trials in life, I have the hope that, "Does not put me to shame, because God's love has been poured out into my heart through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to me." (Romans 5:5 emphasized) Though my attitude isn't always good, I want to always try to walk in the footsteps of Jesus and be like Him. My life has been filled with challenges, but God has been so faithful and He always will be. I don't always understand God's road map but I want to be sure that my map matches His. God is my navigator and the driver of my life. Even though it may look like we're stranded in the middle of no where, God knows where we're going, and I can throw my map out the window and trust that God will lead me through the mountains, the hail storms, and every where else. There is no better place to be than in the hands of my Savior.

Up, Down, Sideways,,& Every Which Way

Allow me to tell you my life story of the past couple months. No need to worry, it will be the quick version, then as always the lesson taught will be shared... so sit back, listen to the music and read along. Ready? OK, here it goes....

Mid-February, a weekend of severe pain. Two trips to the ER, first in San Diego, then home in Ontario. I was admitted to the hospital in Ontario for a few days. A week later, another round of pain in the low back and legs. That pain was new, so back to the ER for me. Admitted again, and the pain in the left leg especially persisted. I then lost my ability to walk. A week and a half later, a check-up with my neurologist, and primary doctor on the same day. While at my primary doctor's office, my body collapsed while sitting in my wheelchair. My doctor had no choice but to send me back to the ER, only this time by ambulance. Never been in one of them before. I spent 10 1/2 hours in the ER before the doctor decided to show up. That was a long and painful wait. When the doctor finally did show, he treated me like a I was an invalid child. Laura gave him a piece of her mind and we were all laughing at the fact that he ran out of the room and never to be seen again. I was admitted for the third time for a couple days. So that's the story in a nutshell.

What's up with me today? Well, I'm still learning to walk again. I've been in a wheelchair for about a month now. I"m getting stronger, but it has been a long process with physical therapy and exercises at home. I know why my dad referred to physical therapy as the torture chamber. It does help make me stronger but it does hurt. There hasn't been a real diagnosis to what has been the cause, other than bad side affects to the lumbar puncture and blood patch. I have continued to fight through the pain, in my legs, back, and abdominal area. My head has been it's normal self. It has been a month of frustrations and some discouraging times as well.

However, what I say often to myself is, "God's got this." That simple phrase says it all. No matter what doctors say to me, I'm not in their hands, I'm in God's hands. My life story has been about trust, patience, and endurance. God guides me and holds me through it all. He has a plan far greater than what I can imagine it to be. I know that God wants me to reach out to the hurting and lonely people of this world. He has called me to follow in His steps and walk in obedience to Him. It is painful, and it is hard, but with God on my side I can get through anything because, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

If you are struggling with pain of any kind today, know that you are not alone. Though it may seem like one dark tunnel ahead of you there is a light on the other side. One day you will reach that light. Trust in Jesus, He'll continue to light up your path and carry you through. No matter what you're going through, there is nothing that God can't handle. I understand it is a painful journey, but just remember that God's got this. If you need prayer, let me know how I can pray for you. Right now you can pray this prayer with me:

Father, the pain hurts. It hurts terribly. But oh how faithful you are. God I don't understand why it has been one thing after the other. I do know that You use each trial for a greater purpose. You promised me that. Please help me to trust You more. May I never forget that You are in control. Through all the storms of life You always lead the way. I can't remember a time when You weren't there for me. I can't remember a trial that You didn't comfort me. I know that no matter what You never will fail me. I love you Lord. I will continue to serve You until the day You call me home. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Struck Down But Not Destroyed

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

What a verse to absorb in our hearts. I mean wow. I don't know about you, but it sure speaks to me. it justs one of those that is so relevant to me, it has been for a long time, but everytime I hit rock bottom I come back to this verse. I am struck down, but I am not destroyed. I was hospitalized again two times just recently with very severe pain. When I say severe, I mean I wanted to die right then type of severe. It was brutal that's all I will say about that. I have been back home in Ontario this weekend after an all night stay in the ER Friday night. I came back to the ER very sick Sunday afternoon. I was released on Tuesday with a ton of meds. I was returned to the ER friday night for more severe pain and admitted again. I returned home on Wednesday. Now I can't walk and I have to be totally dependant on others, a wheelchair, and a walker. It is humbling, but really hard. Stuff I was so used to just getting up on my own to get, has become such a big deal. There are all these steps involved just getting to bed, or the kitchen table. The pain intensifies greatly when I stand. But in all of this I know that God is working it out for the good. I know there is a reason why I have to fight this battle. God is fighting it with me, and He is making me a warrior.

Back to the verse. Though the enemy is trying every force in the universe to strike me down, God has been fighting him for me and He has been my ultimate strength. He has been on my side through every battle of my life and there sure has been a lot of them. But you know, my faith continues to grow through every battle I face. Remember Simon from the crowd when Jesus was on His way to be crucified? He was the first man to pick up the cross and follow in the footsteeps of Jesus. Paul is one of my heroes in the Bible, Stephen is my other one. Paul was one of the greatest missionaries in history. If you read the Bible, there are many stories that tell about Paul's journey and the hardships he had, but what faith he had. When he wrote the theme verse of this journal entry, I can almost feel his heart as he was writing it. He continued to give God the glory through every storm and every blessing of his life. Now Stephen another great man of faith was called home early in his life because he refused to deny his faith in Christ. He was stoned to death because of it, but Jesus was right there with him.

Though I've faced trial after trial mainly with family deaths, health problems, and other stuff, God has been right there. Like God has given the strength to every other man and women of faith in the Bible and other people in history, He has done the same with me. The narrow road is a tough one. To be a true follower of Christ doesn't mean a pain free life. The Bible tells us we will have many troubles. Some have more than others, but nonetheless we all have our own cross to carry. What do you do when you are struck by the enemy's sword? Get down on your knees and pray. Get into God's Word and cry out to Him. He promises to carry us through and to never leave our side. I will be honest it is so hard for me right now. The pain is very intense, and I am worn out. But you know, I will continue to let God be in control of my life. Jesus in the driver and I'm hanging on for it is one wild ride. But no matter what, I will not stop serving my Savior, and I will continue to carry the cross and follow in the footsteps of my Savior, Jesus Christ. For He is with me always to the very end of days. Until God calls me home I will continue to tell the world of His great love throughout those city streets.