Blessings

Christmas has come, and now we await for the New Year. It was a wonderful Christmas spent with my family. I am blessed to have a family to come home to, as well as a church family to see and share with what I am doing these days. I am blessed to have an abundance of people praying me through, and supporting me along the way. The words of encouragement I receive from you, all are priceless. I cherish all the the encouraging words I receive, and all the prayers you pray on my behalf. Thank you for being there for me.
Now 2010 is about to come to a close. I reflect on the ups and downs this past year. I can reflect on how much my character has been built. I can see how God's hands were in every detail of my life, and throughout the year. When my heart was heavy, God gave me the extra strength I needed to push through. Through the few surgeries, God gave me the healing I needed to be better physically. Through those painful and hurtful moments, God turned them around for His glory and perfect plan. Though 2010 may have been a challenging year for me, I can say that it was a year full of God's faithfulness, and I can look back and see how God worked through everything. God has blessed me beyond measure, and as I walk forward He continues to lead me through the impossible. I can continue to receive a bigger glimpse on how much my Savior loves me.
I look forward to what God will do in 2011. It may not be an easy year, it could be a year filled with more challenges... but you know, I say bring it on, because as God has demonstrated in the past, nothing is impossible with Him. As long as I live, I will serve my King. There are millions of people out there who need Jesus. I believe God has placed all of us here for such a time as this. So may we continue to move forward in Him, and through the storms of life, I know that God will be there, and will continue to work through all things for His perfect plan.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for the blessings of Christmas. Thank you for Jesus. I want to celebrate the real meaning of Christmas always, praising You for Your amazing love. God thank you for blessing me with an abundance of encouraging people in my life. God I pray that You will be with them, bless them, and may they be uplifted and encouraged by You. God I pray for the year of 2011. Draw me closer to You. I pray that You will continue to guide and make the paths straight. Please be with all of the people You have placed in my life: my family, church family, friends, and YWAM family. Lord I pray You will provide for them, and continue to guide them. Lord in whatever challenges or storms they may be in now, I pray that they will feel Your loving hands over them. Thank you Lord, for never leaving us, nor forsaking us. God thank you for the greatest gift of all, Jesus. Thank you that we have been made free in You. I love You Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen

YWAM Celebration in Hawaii

What an amazing opportunity Laura and I had to be able to attend YWAM's 50th anniversary celebration in Hawaii. Shortly after Thanksgiving Laura and I flew down to Kona, Hawaii. It was an amazing time spent there as we had the chance of a lifetime to celebrate with YWAM 50 years of God's faithfulness, as well as explore the big island of Hawaii. Loren and Darlene Cunningham as well as YWAM's president, and a few others shared with us about what God has done through the years, as well as powerful messages about following Jesus' command to "Go into all the world and make disciples of all nations," as stated in the Great Commission. Jesus' last command to the disciples before ascending into Heaven.
The Great Commission in one of YWAM's key verse of what they're all about. Loren shared with us how we all need to take the flame and go forward. Not to let the fire burn out, but to continue to run forward for God's glory, and making sure that every person on earth has a chance to hear the gospel. By the year of 2020 the Bible will be translated into every language of the world. People of every tribe and every tongue will be able to have the Bible in their own language. That will be pretty amazing that's for sure!
Loren shared some powerful messages and ones that spoke boldly to me. Many of them were challenging as it meant that I had to continue to move forward and stretching my faith. So many times I struggle with stepping out of comfort zones and taking more steps forward, but I know that God asks me to keep moving forward and trusting in His guidance. It is never an easy thing, but who's to say that life is easy anyways. I know that it is not an easy road, and the roads on the mission field usually are extremely challenging. As I heard some of the stories shared during my time in Hawaii I felt God was speaking to everyone there that He is in control, and He has some pretty amazing things in store for us.
Laura and I also had some wonderful times around the island. It was our first time ever being to Hawaii and we wanted to be sure we enjoyed every minute of it! We had some wonderful times on the beach, driving around the island, exploring various places, and just absorbing God's marvelous creation. We were exposed to nearly every climate zone their is which we were both in awe of. We explored the desert, the rain forests, the ocean and all kinds of other places that we have never seen before at least not so close together and quite like that. We both had an amazing time in Hawaii, and were glad that we were able to go.
I am glad God opened the doors for me to attend the 50th in Hawaii as that celebration was very important to me, and because I wasn't able to attend the celebration in Tijuana. It was an experience that neither of us will ever forget!

What Breaks my Heart

Holiday season has officially begun. Thanksgiving is just a couple short days away, and Christmas will be coming shortly after. These times are a time of remembrance, a time of reflection, a time of joy... but what about those who don't have that joy? Those who are alone? Those who don't have the hope, and the love of Jesus within them? What about them? These times can be a time of pain for so many people. People who are grieving, who are suffering, and people who spend day in and day out without even being noticed... who feel like they don't matter to another soul in the world.

Yesterday I noticed a homeless lady on the corner, I saw the pain in her eyes. I almost broke down right there in tears, I had to grip it because I was driving, but my heart broke for her. Her eyes were filled with sorrow. There are millions of people in this world who don't know Jesus, and millions who filled with sorrow. Suicide rates are rising, because people are searching for a way out, and come to the point where they feel like death is their only option. It is incredibly sad to know this, and hear about it. I still think of all the people I talked to in San Francisco, all the time. I visualize their faces, their tear filled eyes, and I can still hear them tell me that they feel like a nobody... they feel worthless. I can still hear them share with me their story, what people have done to them, things that have happened in their life, and wishing they had someone who loved them. I was not ashamed to put my arms around them. I wanted them to know how much they mattered, and how much their Savior does love them. I want that mission to continue, and God has placed that passion so strongly on my heart.

There is no greater love than the love of Jesus. This is the time of year we celebrate it, but I hope we will celebrate it year round. As the joyous season comes along, I don't want to forget the true meaning of it. I don't want to be so caught up in the busyness of it that I don't notice the hurting person standing on the corner. My heart's passion is to love those who don't know what love is. To be the hands of feet of Jesus. I pray that Jesus will shine so strongly in me, that when people look at me they see the light of Jesus. I pray that God will melt the heart of stone. I pray that God will move radically within the walls of the city, and throughout the hearts of every young and old person there is. God is the God of the impossible, and He can and does far more than what we can ever imagine. God chooses His children to be His instruments, to be ambassadors in His Kingdom. May His Kingdom come.

God has ruined my heart for Him. Something that I can't explain in words. I completely want my life to be surrendered to Him. I want my life to be all about giving Him the glory, and letting people know who Jesus is. That is my calling. To live for Jesus my Savior. God and God alone. I am here to sit next to a hurting person, to listen to there broken hearts and to say you are valuable... so valuable that God gave His one and only Son to die for you.

I cannot look in the pain in someone's eyes and ignore it. Each time I notice someone alone my heart does break. I know that Jesus weeps over them. Jesus feels their pain, and Jesus does care. I pray that they may feel Jesus over them, and His loving arms holding them tight. I pray that God will use me to uplift them, and that God will work in their hearts. I pray that their pain will be healed, and they can live as another testimony of how great our God is.

God Continues to Amaze Me

I know it has been quite some time since the last blog was posted. I've been trying to maintain them as much as possible, but life craziness sometimes has a way of taking over.... November has been a pretty busy month. Projects needed to be edited, and printed, community meetings to attend to, Genesis connects to listen in, etc... But life has been good here in sunny San Diego. In Mexico homes continue to be built each weekend by several teams, and schools continue to move right along.

I have been busy in the office making sure brochures and fliers are printed, as well as other print work that needs to be done. Some thing that is very exciting is we are gearing up for San Diego ministry. I along with two others will be meeting each week, and we will be preparing for Mission Adventures to join us in San Diego next year. In the prayer meeting this week, it was brought up that once a month we have city prayer walks as staff. That would be a great opportunity for all of us. As a team, we will be going through the city and getting ourselves familiar with what it is all about. I am very excited to see what God is going to do throughout all of this. I am glad He has brought me here and that the doors are opening for me to step foot into city ministry with my co-workers. God has placed the strong passion on my heart which has been around even before I joined YWAM. It is amazing how when I said yes to God and each and every step I took was a step of faith. I had no idea what God was going to do and I have no idea what He is going to do in the future. But as I continue on the journey of faith I know God will continue to move the mountains and open the doors to more opportunities and ways that I can serve Him.

God has placed the desire, and it amazes me how much He has led me through the past few years and even beyond that. I can testify that waiting on the Lord and trusting in His will and perfect time is worth everything I have and everything I've been through. I can only walk one step and one day at a time. Each day a new blessing comes, and through all circumstances God continues to build my character. I am here for the purpose to serve my King and no one else. God has called me to city ministry, and I know He will continue to lead me to it and through everything. Only He knows where I'll go next, but all I can say is I am ready and willing no matter what that may be.

One Red Light, One Divine Appointment

It was a typical Saturday afternoon. I had just left Target, and was leaving the parking lot waiting for the light to turn green. The typical moment turned into a moment where I felt the Spirit tugging on my heart. A moment that I knew I had to listen to what God was asking me to do. My heart started to speed up a little bit, as I was taking a step of faith, and another leap out of my comfort zone. I don't know if I can define comfort zone for me anymore... it has been knocked out so many times, that determined that is one of the things my life is about. There I sat in my car, with the radio in the background, looking up at a distance I saw a man. His clothes were worn and dirty, his face looked pretty rough, but there he stood with a sign in his hand. He was one of many homeless men and women who stand on the street corners daily hoping someone would give them the time of day to help them out.

God was tugging on my heart to roll down the window, and to get his attention. The nudge was pretty strong, and I knew I couldn't ignore it and just wait for the light to turn green. So I sat there for a second, and slowly rolled my window down a few inches... just enough to stick my hand out. I had a small Bible that I kept in my car. I knew God was asking me to give it to this gentleman standing there. With the Bible in my hand, I reached out my window to get the man's attention. It was shaking a little bit, because I honestly didn't know what kind of reaction I was going to get in return. I mean he could have thrown it back at me, or said certain things that I've heard several times before, which I won't repeat in this blog. But he did none of those things, instead he took it, and he said "God bless you, this is something that I have never received before, I wanted one of these more than a dollar, a dollar I can live without, but not this." He smiled at me, and that said it all to me. He assured me he was going to read it. I'm trusting that God will begin to do some incredible work in this man's life. I probably will never get to know his story, but I don't need to, it is all for God's glory at that is what matters.

The light turned green and I moved along to my next destination. For the rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. I was walking around in the water at the beach and kept thinking and wondering what God was up to. That was just the first step of what God is calling me to do. There are more homeless men and women standing on the street corners, sitting on the sidewalks in downtown, all are hurting, they all have a story, and they all have been ignored day after day. God wants more Bibles to be handed out, and He wants me to trust in Him, to keep leading me to people who need Him. I want to have more Bibles in my car. I know that I may have people say bad things to me, but I also know God is the God of the impossible, He can melt the heart of stone, and He can move in these people's lives, through the streets of San Diego, and all of the other places of the world. I just have to say, "hear I am Lord, send me." Where God leads I will follow. I will continue to be led out of so called comfort zone.

Please pray for these people, all the hurting and lost people of the world. Pray that I can receive more Bibles to give. This is only the beginning. God has asked me to move forward, I know that faith is not always easy, but I need to cling to God and His promises. I know that the pain can increase rapidly, but climbing a mountain, is not a piece of cake. I will keep climbing and I will not loose heart, I will keep my eyes on Jesus, who is the author and perfecter of my faith.

Steps of Faith

Today has been a wonderful day, a wonderful Sunday it was. This morning I attended an incredible church service. God spoke to me through the pastor this morning. I am called to take steps of faith in obedience to Him. The pastor said these words, "if you are wanting it to be easy, you are in the wrong place.... but we have to be armed with God's truth, because we are in a world where it's only going to get harder." I know that as I move forward I need to trust in God for His provision, His protection and His guidance. There is a call and tug on my heart that continues to get stronger. There are challenges that have come up along the way, and there will continue to be, but I know that I need to continue. I need to keep taking each step and be who God has called me to be. There are times when I fall, times when I struggle, and those times where I feel like I've felt like I've been slammed to the floor, but there has never been a time where God has been away, and never a time where I have been defeated. It is by God's grace that I can keep going, and it is through His strength. I know I have talked about this a lot, but it is one of the most important things I need to remember. I need to remember who I am serving, and why I do what I do.

It is not an easy journey. Choosing the narrow road has bumps in it. Hard ones. But that road also is leading to eternal life with Jesus Christ. The One who conquered death, suffered and died so we can live. He is walking the road with me, and He is in the boat with me. When the storms rage, God is my strength, He is my comforter, and He calms the storms in my life. This evening I spent some time reflecting on all that God has led me through. I was reading through my personal journal, where I wrote down every feeling I was feeling. There was a lot I went through, and probably a lot I'm going to go through. But one thing I've learned is how God is there with me every step of the way. As I've said so many times before, I must continue on the journey with faith and perseverance. Knowing that the race does have hurdles, but there are so many people out there walking in total darkness. I must keep being the hands and feet of Jesus, and going to where He is calling me to go. Many people need to hear the words I love you, and hear how valuable they are to their Heavenly Father, and how much He loves them. I am not afraid of what they may say to me, I've been called many things already, and have heard and seen so much already, but I still know they need Jesus. That is worth everything I have.

In the Midst of It

God, you are an amazing God, whom I love and adore more than anything else on the face of the earth. As I write this prayer to You oh Lord, I'm hearing the music from the song, "How Great Thou Art" my soul sings out to You Father, and I praise You for sending Your Son to die on that cross to take away all my sins. Lord You have done wonders in my life. So many times I have complained about all the hard times that have come across my path. But I instead want to praise You for the trials, I thank You for bringing me through them. WIthout the trials and sufferings my faith would not have been strengthened the way that it has. Father, I'm sorry when I have been negative, Lord I want to 'take captive of all my thoughts and make them obedient to Christ,' as it is written in Your Word. Lord as I begin this blog and share the things You have done may it be Your words coming through me, and give You all the glory. In Jesus' precious Name, Amen

It has been a few weeks since my major surgery. It has been a painful recovery, but I am getting better. I am planning on heading back to San Diego later this week. I want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, words of encouragement, and for being wonderful influences in my life. You all mean more to me, than you'll ever know, and I praise God for the amazing people He has placed in my life.

In my recovery time I've been taking it pretty easy. I can do a little more each day, and feel like I'm getting closer to my normal self. Yes the recovery has been more painful than the ones I've had in the past. In the midst of the suffering, God has had His healing hand upon me. I've felt the power of prayer in so many ways. God has been my strength when I didn't have any. Right after surgery my strength was pretty much gone. I couldn't even walk or stand on my own for a while. Now I have most of my strength back. As I've been thinking about it though, God is my ultimate strength. Spiritually, without Him, I wouldn't be able to walk. I couldn't walk forward and be all He wants me to be. As I walk on my journey of faith I need to remind myself that it is God who is my guide, He is my strength and shield. No matter where He calls me, He promises that He will walk by my side, and always be with me. No matter how much suffering the journey will involve, I can hold on to the hope, and salvation, knowing my Savior is there with me. He hears me, and He is my healer. The walk on earth does involve pain, it will have sorrow, but the time here is like a blink of an eye, compared to the eternal glory that awaits for me in eternity.

Yes times hurt, yes it can downright feel as if it is one battle after the other, but you know, I will keep running on the race for my King, the race that will have the finish line of a prize far greater than what the world can give me... it's the crown of eternal glory. I will glorify my Lord, and I will suffer for His glory. I will keep running the race with perseverance. I will not be doing it alone. God will go with me, and He will go before me. He is all around me wherever I go.

Thank you all for reading. God bless each of your abundantly and His grace is upon you. I close with this verse.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Word of God Speak

In the rush of everyday life it can be very challenging to take time to sit still and listen to the voice of God. God has so much He wants to tell His children and often times daily activities can get in the way of listening to His voice. What about in times when we are forced to be slow because of the circumstances we find ourselves in?
As you all know, I have had a major surgery that has put me down physically. My physical strength has been knocked down big time, which has made me be still, and God has been using that. During these past couple of weeks, I have had those little nudges and tugs in my heart, whispers in my ears, and even odd dreams while I'm asleep. I know that it is not my imagination, it is not some random thoughts and it isn't anyone physical. It is the Holy Spirit. I feel God leading me again in directions that I honestly feel a little uneasy about, because again it is about that step, the step into the unknowns, and the steps in total faith. Over and over again God comes to me, puts these thoughts into my mind, and I just can't stop thinking about it. I have felt myself wrestling a little bit with it because it gets so intense, but I can't let it go because the nudges keep getting stronger.
I say to myself, "what am I supposed to do? I don't feel qualified for the job, how am I supposed to do something that seems so radical?" I have dealt with these thoughts and challenges many times through my walk, and everytime God has done incredible work in me, and has shown Himself faithful all throughout my life's journey.
A week ago, on Sunday morning I was at home. I couldn't go out to church yet because I wasn't up to it. So I pluggled my computer into the TV, and watched a live broadcast from the church I've been attending in San Diego. To make a long story short the sermon was about radical faith. An amazing service where I felt very strong nudges from God telling me "this is what I want you to have, you are going to need it for the work I have planned for you to do. You cannot walk life with Me and please Me without having faith in Me. So take all your fears and hand them over, for I will take care of you."
I know what I have to do. I have to continue to listen to the call. A call that is so strong on my heart, one that God has reminded me over and over again. It is one that makes my knees shake a little, but that's ok. God will be with me, and that is all I need.

Patience and Healing

The surgery is now behind me. It was a large surgery, but it went well. Now I'm home resting and regaining my strength. I have been in quite a bit of pain, and have been weak. I have had to use a walker for the time being, because I can't walk well on my own. I have been healing and making small improvements each day.
This has taught me to be patient with myself. I can't push myself right now, because I'm not strong enough to do a whole lot. That is hard for me because I'm used to having my strength and being able to do a lot of things without any problems. Learning to have others do things for me all the time has been a challenge for me. But I seem to be doing pretty well considering.
I am glad the surgery is now behind me. I praise God for opening up an earlier date, not only that, but also for the surgery starting earlier than the scheduled time. That amazed me really because, my surgeries in the past have mostly been later than the scheduled time. God answered all your prayers about it starting sooner. Now as I lay low recovering for the next several weeks, I don't want to forget all that God has done for me. Even though sometimes being down can make me very discouraged, I don't want to allow it to take over.
I believe God has many things in store for me, and now that the surgery is done, it will allow me to go further because things have been corrected physically. I know there is so much God has planned for me in my life, and I want to be sure I continue to follow Him, and do His will. God wants me to use all the hard times in my life for His glory. Meaning tell others about it, share with them what God has been doing, and how awesome He is. God has placed a passion on my heart to reach out to those who are really hurting both physically and mentally, to those who don't have much of anything, and share God's love with them. Let them hear the words I love you, and tell them they have a Heavenly Father who loves them.
I know God will continue to lead me, and guide me in the directions He wants me to go. I don't want to loose heart, when things get hard, or seem to be going slow, but I want to continue to seek God, and trust that His is using me, even in the times when I am down and low.
Thank you all again for all your prayers. You all have really encouraged me, and I thank you all for being there for me.

Strong and Courageous

"Be Strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

That verse keeps coming to me over and over again. It's during times like these I need to hear it the most. God is with me wherever I go, and He is holding me in times when it really hurts, and I feel all alone. As I look back and think about all God has led me through, I can remember when I was in the moment of all the trials in the past and I did feel like there was no one who understood what I was going through. But I had the comfort, the hope, and the peace that God was holding me, He heard my cry, and felt my pain. God knows everything, and He cares about every little detail of my life.

God is the one who is always with me. The people around me may not understand, but God does. My family may not be with me all the time, but God is. In the darkest moments, God is the light on my path. I may feel defeated, but God has overcome the world, and He has made me a warrior. I may be sitting alone broken, and tears shedding uncontrollably, but God has healed my pain. It's His still small voice that keeps me going, He strength is what I need from day to day, and He is always going to be with me wherever I go. Even when the doors close behind me on the way to the operating room, and nobody I know can be with me, God is there... I may be lying on the table, but it's not just the table I will be lying on, it will also be God's everlasting arms.

I do have a lot of fear right now... but God is working in me. He reminds me time and time again do not be afraid. It can be so hard to not let fear take over. Surgeries are painful, and usually with the ones in the past I know what to expect because most of them have been very similar. This one is new to me, and I don't know what it is going to be like at all. But again God says I am with you, and I have gone before you. He knows, and He is there.

Please pray for this next week as I prepare myself for surgery day. Praise God it has been made sooner. Pray that I will have peace, and that I will feel God's presence, even in the loneliest hours. Pray to that the surgery will go well, and for the recovery afterward. Surgery day is Monday August 16. Thank you everyone for your prayers.

Facing the Storms

There are those days where I just want to ask out loud why! Times where I want to scream what's going on!! I mean those days where I say is it ever going to end. Yes I give myself a little pity party, and my attitude is not always jumping for joy. When tragidy strikes it hurts. Before I go any further here, I want to tell you that I am being completely open and honest... I want to be vulnerable with you and let you know what is happening. Don't worry though, stay with me, and read this til the end...
Now, back to the storms of life. It sure seems like there are a lot of them. I mean I was just thinking about it last night, and looking back at everything. Things were going pretty good for me as far as health and all that good stuff. I mean yes I had a few struggles in the past with health and surgeries and such, but nothing that seems to be like these days. Let me give you a few examples. When I heard God's voice calling me to go into ministry, I said yes. I wanted to follow God wherever He led me, and to do what He has called me to do. Don't worry, I have not changed my mind, I want to continue to do so... I am here for that purpose... to serve God, and to be all He wants me to be. But I couldn't help to wonder why when I said yes, it seemed like the flood gates of the storms spread wide open. One thing after the other. First the ears, then the sickness and switched outreach, then the bedbugs, and now this. All within the last year or two. It has been very painful it really has. I don't understand why, but I don't need to understand it. I need to embrace it, face it, and say God I know You are there, and You will take care of this. I know I can't do it on my own.
With the help of my Father, I know I will get through this one too. Is it easy? Of course not. Do I always handle it the way I should? No. Of course I have those moments, those days, and even longer where I feel very discouraged, and I want to say, is it ever going to end. Struggles come and go all throughout life, and sometimes I felt like I was getting them all while everyone else seems to have it so much easier. I know that's not true. We all have our challenges, and troubles in life... that's just the way it is. But I know I also have choices on how to react to the challenges. I can pout, and have an Eor type attitude, or I can continue to move forward and with the help of Jesus Christ conquer the storms that come in my path.
I know that I will get through the storms, and I'm sure that this one I'm in now isn't going to be the last. But I want to learn from each one. So when the next one strikes I will still be able to stand strong in my faith, and say, "God you are my God, and I will follow You all of my days. I want to seek You in the morning, and learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You will lead me." Yes step by step... I can't expect to get from here to New York in one step. So I can't expect to get through the challenges and trials either in one step. But each step God is with me, and He is blessing me beyond measure.
Now I ask you, would you pray that I can get through the storms, and for God to continue to work in me through them. For it is in the times of trouble when I grow the most, it is in those times where my faith in God gets strengthened even more, and I know that God is making a beautiful picture through this all. It may not seem like it now, but one day I will see why I was led in all these different directions. Even if I don't, it doesn't matter, there is a purpose for everything, and God uses everything for His glory and perfect plan.

Father, I admit my attitude and reaction to storms is not always good. But I ask for You to help me in the times of trouble, help me to see Your face, even when it sometimes feels as if I'm all alone. I do get those feelings, but I want to hang on to You, cling to Your promises, and always remember that in all things You will never let me go. Lord I thank You for never giving up on me, and for always loving me. God thank you for the people You have placed in my life, and I pray You would bless them. Hold them close to You, and may they feel Your arms surrounding them. I love You Lord, and through the calm and through the storm, I will praise Your name. Forgive me for my negative attitude, and Help me to continue to stay strong in You, and in my faith. In Jesus' Name Amen.

Looking Back, Marching Forward

Yesterday, July 8th was the day I started with YWAM, one year ago. Never did I think that this year would turn out the way that it did. Don't get me wrong, it turned out better than what I ever imagined it to be. As crazy as it sounds it was one of the hardest years of my life, but it was the greatest year of my life. Now how can complete opposites go in one sentence, talking about the same subject? The greatest and hardest.... together? Crazy right? Well let me take you on a stroll down memory lane, and just maybe you'll see what I'm talking about. We're going to start on July 7 2009....

My birthday. It was no ordinary birthday for me as I spent the day packing for my Mexico trip, and making sure I had the things I needed and left behind what I could do without. At the same time I spent celebrating another year added on to my life. Later in the evening I went out to dinner with my family. Now my mind was racing with so many things, and I was processing what was lying ahead of me. I wasn't really focused on dinner.... but then, as we are led to the table I was about to sit down, when I heard surprise! Now it took me a moment to figure out that I knew all these people in front of me, as I was really not paying any attention. But there stood the people that were my biggest support and influence during the whole process on my journey (They still are... and if it weren't for them I wouldn't be here). Both my pastors, friends from church, and my family... now I had just said my goodbyes to them just a day or two ago, and everyone of them "played along." It was a fun evening, and it was hard to say goodbye, that has always been hard for me to do, and I had to do it twice!

July 8, 2009, Departure day. My mom took me to San Diego, where I was meeting at the YWAM office, to head off to Mexico. I first had my last In n Out burger, for a while. I met a couple people, who now are pretty good friends. We drove over the border, and as we passed the sign last U.S.A. exit, my heart started to pound. That is when reality really sunk in for me. But as we moved forward, I started to feel at peace. God was there, and I knew I was going the way He has called me to go. It was great meeting all the people and they were all pretty awesome. I am now close friends with a lot of them.

The summer was pretty amazing. I built a house for the first time, was able to go to an orphanage, for kids with special needs, and I was able to be a mentor and friend to all the teenagers that came to Mexico for Mission Adventures. There are many things I did over the summer, and I was glad I was there.

August 19, 2009.... Departure day, and headed for home. The last day there, and said some more goodbyes. Some to people I will probably never see again, and to others it was more a see ya later. I came over the border met my mom at the office, and headed for home.

September 25th, 2009.... Back in Mexico, DTS is about to start. It was an amazing journey. DTS had to be where the hardest battles were fought. Even harder than all the battles before DTS, and during Mission Adventures. I felt my faith being tested in ways I never thought were possible... but I was spiritually strengthened even more. Yes it felt like I was being slammed to the ocean floor time and time again, and I had my moments of feeling sorry for myself, but God showed His faithfulness in so many ways. He led me through everything, and it all led to and still is leading to His perfect plan.

A week before Thanksgiving... an unexpected trip to the ER. Spent a few days in the hospital, and was home for a couple weeks. That was where I felt tested the most.... those were the times when I felt defeated. But again, God was there, and He still was running with me. I knew I had to keep fighting, and keep running, even though I wanted to say forget it, I can't do it anymore.

New Year's Eve... my first day in San Francisco. An incredible outreach, where my eyes were opened up to things I never realized I was blind to. I was ministering to the homeless, prostitutes, homosexuals, and various other individuals. It was intense, but it sure was incredible!

Valentines Day... Back in Mexico, and reunited with the team. Debriefing week and graduation. We shared all our stories, and enjoyed our final moments together. And the 21tst was my day to go back home for a while.

May 3, 2010... first day on the job. I came back down to San Diego on April 30th, and started officially with YWAM San Diego/Baja full time. There is a lot God has in store for me, and I know He is going to continue to lead me as I continue to move forward in faith and be all He has called me to be.

Today... Another year older, and there is more to come. It has been an amazing year, as I've said, and I thank you all who were running by my side. Thank you for your support and prayers. You are all a big part of my life, and I want you to know how much each of your mean to me...my family, church family, my pastors, all my extended family, and friends, my YWAM family, and most of all praise God for His faithfulness, and for always running with me, and never letting me go.

Keeping my Eyes on Him

Sometimes life in ministry can have moments of fear. I mean sometimes the whole fact of the unknowns can still get me in a negative way. Even after all I went through, everything God has taught me, all that He has led me through, I still struggle with doubt.
God still doesn't give up on me, He still keeps leading me and guiding me. When I do have those moments, the moments of doubt God has a way of working in that too. He continues to remind me time and time again that He has all things under control, and He knows my every need,
This past Sunday I was back in my home church. One thing you have to know about me is I'm usually not an emotional person in public... if I do feel it coming on I will do everything I can to hide it. But towards the end of the service, it was very hard to hide. I felt the Spirit totally come over me, and it almost felt as if I was the only one in the room... right there just me and God. Then at the end of the service they sang one of my most favorite hymns, "Through it All."
It was an awesome service on Sunday. The main point of the message was having strong faith even when the storms are raging. The passage was about the disciples on the boat, and a huge storm came over the boat, while Jesus was sleeping. They were afraid. Jesus woke up, and calmed the storm. He asked them where was there faith...
All through life we have storms. We have times where it feels as if Jesus is so far away. We doubt, we fear, we try to handle things in our own hands... I can go on and on, but even through the times of storms, Jesus is with us. He is with me. I have to remind myself of that constantly.
I cannot loose heart when there is a battle to face, and I cannot get over confident when things are going great. I must remain humble before the Lord. Keeping my eyes on Him, and letting Him guide me where He wants me. My life is all about faith. Yes it gets hard, yes it comes to a point where it just plain hurts, and times when I just want to say forget it, I can't do this anymore...
But I know that God has called me. He has a plan in all things, and He even uses my weaknesses. On Sunday God spoke to me, and gave me a little wake up call, telling me He was here, and I need to continue to keep my faith on Him, trusting in Him, and allowing Him to take over my life. I can't have it all figured out, that's impossible. But I know I can leave everything in the hands of my Savior. That is a true comfort, and something that keeps me going forward. I know that He is with me through everything good and bad.

One House done, One family changed forever

I have just gotten back from Tijuana, on a house building project this weekend. This was my second house that I helped build. The family was amazing, and their lives are forever changed...
On Thursday my co-worker, and I along with a couple staff from TJ met the team at the airport. We got the teams down to Mexico on a charter bus, and were able to get to know them a little bit over the weekend. The teams all stayed at a hotel close by the base, while the YWAM staff stayed at the base.
Friday was day 1 of building. We all worked very hard, and I did a lot of hammering and helped put the walls up. There were little departments that everyone was able to help in, and overall we worked very well together. Saturday was the completion day, and that day most of the house was built. We just had to finish the roof, get the electricity going, touch up painting, and getting the furniture inside and put together. On that day I was in charge of the camera, so I didn't do a whole lot of heavy duty stuff.
They family we built for were very grateful we were there. The dad was crying the moment we arrived pretty much. He had walked away from God, but for a couple years he was praying that God would send someone to him to help get him and his family a fresh start. When we arrived God answered his prayers, but in a way he didn't expect. He not only received a house,and other material things, but he received Christ back into his life. He rededicated his life to the Lord, and told us he wants to be more involved with going to church, and having devotions with his family, and he wants to follow after God and His desire for his life. God is working in this man's life, and I know that He will continue to.
It was pretty amazing, but I felt like I was more blessed by the experience than the family was. They taught me a lot that day, and even though there was a language barrier, it doesn't take words to understand their open hearts, and the love they showed us. They had very little as far as material, but they had so much to offer us. They welcomed us into their lives, and gave us the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to them. They saw Jesus in each of us, and invited Him into their own lives.
I learned a lot over this weekend. Gods power was released through me, and He gave me a chance to make a difference in a needy family's lives. God will continue to do so as I continue to walk forward with Him. One thing that I know is people of every nation, every background, and in every situation they may be in need to hear that God loves them. They need Jesus. Nobody can live without Him, and I know God gave me a call to serve Him as a missionary. To be His ambassador and to shine to everyone. Sharing His love with everybody... to those who have never heard the words I love you, to those who are sitting on the corners with no place to go, to the wife abused by her husband, to the child sitting on the door step alone and confused, to the business man who just lost his job, to rich executive to the world out there walking in the darkness... everyone from rich to poor, needs to hear it... but not only that they need to see it in our actions. God will move in us to reach to them. I just need to be who God has called me to be... I shall not fear for God is with me.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and they day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes."
Isaiah 61:1-3

It was Moving Day... Again!

Yes I have had my share of moving by now. First starting off with moving from home, to San Diego, into an apartment, then from there into the house. Now today we moved our office. It was a lot of work, but it is all turning out so nice. Because of all the moving I couldn't really settle in too much. Which was a little difficult, but it'll all worked out. It was great working with everyone... everybody had a great attitude, and we all worked together really well. We helped each other, and really it is such a difference when working with other Christians. We are all like a family, and we helped one another, not only that but we care about each other. We stand together as one body with one mission: Making Jesus known. It's amazing to be working with people from around the world, and to be able to relate to one another as if we've known each other our whole lives.
I'm really excited to see what God is going to do. I feel it in my spirit He has something big in store for me here. It already has been incredible and it is only the beginning. As hard as it was to say yes to God, and leave my comfort zone, what I felt was my security blanket, and completely jump out in faith, I know it is the best descision I can ever make. God never asked me to have it all figured out first, all He asked for was a willing and obedient heart. I don't know where everything I need is going to come from, or how I going to get out there in the streets and share with people about Jesus, but what I do know is God says I will be with you wherever you go, and I will provide for your every need. I have peace, and the Spirit is in me, and Jesus is walking right beside me, and I am shielded by Him. I will be fine, and I will continue to march forward, as a soilder for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Settling in...

I'm sitting here in my new temporary office, figuring out the role of things, and checking out all the stuff laying all around me. I am in the part of the building that is moving out. There are two sections in the San Diego offices, and currently they are combining everything into one section. So things are a little upside down. For my first day, it was called an "exploratory day;" meaning I had to just play around on the computer and get familiar with it which didn't take me long since I learned all about Macs back when I was in school, which wasn't that long ago :). After that, I just checked around the office, organized it some so it's easy to move everything from one place to the next, and I also checked out just what is in here. There are a ton of video devices, cameras, and all kinds of other cool things, that I really don't know much about.
My apartment is really nice, even though I will be moving into the house with the other gals at the end of the week. I'm excited to be with them. Although I have liked my spot I'm in now too. It's a lot more spacious, but that can tend to get a little lonely too. So it will be nice to be able to socialize, and have a little fun with the others too. Not much else is really new. It is only my first official day here. Some other things I will probably get to do is writing up things about the families we build houses for, interview them with somebody, and do some things back in Ensenada. I will get to do all kinds of ministry stuff, which I'm really stoked about. Hopefully once things settle down and I get more into the routine of things, I will have a lot more exciting things to share. God has a lot in store for me here, and it is sure amazing how He opened the doors not only for me but for those here too. He has tied us all together for His perfect plan, and that is just plain awesome!!

One Week and Counting...

Yes you did read the title right. As of today I have one week left here at home. It is official next week Friday I am loading up my little car, and driving on down to San Diego, where I will start as a full time YWAMer. I'm joining staff there. Many people ask me how long is this next phase, and I always answer with I don't know. Well I know now, it is going to be as long as God wants me there.
I'm so excited, but there is also a ton of anxiety. I mean my heart is pounding out of my chest at times. I cannot believe the time is here. The time that I worked so hard for, all the preparations, the waiting, doors opening and closing, and the emotional ride it has been, all of that and more, has led me to this moment. One thing is for certain, the enemy did not want me to get this far. He tried everything in his power to get me to quit. There were times I almost did. But there is something else inside of me that kept me going. That is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He was my strength when I felt like I didn't have another step left in me. He was the One running by my side, He was carrying me, and He felt everything I went through. I felt the heart-aches, the dissapointments, and the struggles. I could not have gone through these past couple years without Him. I'm glad that I listened to His still small voice telling me to keep going. Now He is leading me to the next step. I can enter it with confidence knowing that His strength is in me, and He will never let me go.
Though there are going to be challenges in my future I'm sure, I am not afraid to face them. I won't be facing them alone. God has given me all that I need, and I know He will always provide. (Phil. 4:19, and Isa. 58:11). Now that I've been home and re-fueled, I feel even readier than ever. God has called me, and the time has come, the door has opened, and it is time for me to walk through it. Please pray for this next chapter of my life. I thank all of you who have been praying me through... my family, church family, YWAM family, and all my friends. You guys are the most amazing people ever, and you all mean the world to me. Thank you for you prayers, support, and also thank you for being a listening ear when I needed to talk, some of you even were that shoulder for me to cry on. God bless you all, and as always I will keep you posted on all that goes on. Te quierro mucho (I love you :)!!

Homesick

Tonight was an incredible night. Here I was sitting in the arena with about 9,000 people listening to an awesome concert and worshiping God together. A number of artists performed: Sidewalk Prophets, Fee, David Crowder Band, MercyMe, and a few others. But when MercyMe performed, that is when the tears, started to well up uncontrollably. I was pretty glad it was dark in the place that's for sure. But there were two songs in particular that hit me pretty hard and most of you probably know or at least have heard of them... Homesick, and I can Only Imagine. I think first of all since I can relate totally to the lead singer, when he sings these songs, and it has been just over 10 years since his dad died, and mine too. But those tears were not really tears of sadness, but rather tears of joy. Knowing that my dad and all my loved ones that have gone before me have no more pain, no more sorrow, and they are rejoicing eternally with our Heavenly Father.
I just wanted to share that you know it is really an awesome comfort knowing that we will be going Home someday to meet our Savior face to face. For me personally I know that God has plans for me here on earth first... after all I came pretty close to going Home. I know that and as I listen to the news, go to town, or just walk around my own neighborhood, I come across many people who do not have that joy. They have no idea what it means to have true happiness. All the material goods in the world can't make a person truly happy or feel loved... only God can fill in the hole of people's lives, and only He can bring a person Home. This life is only temporary... and God has a lot to teach me yet, but this is not my true home. I'm a pilgrim walking through to my final Destiny. But until I get Home to reunite with everybody, and celebrate eternally with my Savior, God has given me a job to do. That is to go into the world, where He leads me and share His love. Allow Jesus to shine through me, and share my story and God's amazing love and grace.
Jesus will carry me through, I believe that with all of my heart. Even though sometimes the pain gets pretty rough, and I feel all alone, I can rest in His arms. He carries me through and sometimes I do get the feeling of homesickness. Not just my earthly home, but my heavenly home. Because I do still miss my loved ones who are no longer with me. There are a ton of things I would have loved to share with them. Tell them about all the things I've done, but that day is yet to come. I am going to keep running for my King. When it's time to go Home, I know that my Father will be there with His open arms, saying welcome home My daughter, I am proud of you.
When we all get to Heaven what a glorious day that will be. Until that day comes may we never stop living for our King. Let us continue to be the Light in the dark world. They need us now more than ever...
Father, I praise You for Your love, for Your guidance, and for never letting us go. You are the One I adore, the One I want to follow. Lord, please lead me into the places You have called me to. Help me to stand out... all for Your glory. I am not here to receive any special attention, or spotlight, my life is about serving You, and praising Your name. This world is full of hurt, greed, hate, lust, pain, sorrow, and many other things... God this world needs the Light of Jesus. Please light the Fire within me, and all my brothers and sisters in Christ. May we stand hand in hand, and stand up for Jesus. We are soldiers for You. Arm us with Truth, and protect us Father. You are an awesome and wonderful God, and oh how I love You. Teach me to walk by faith, and not by sight. In Jesus' Name Amen

In His Steps

Jesus You are the One I want to follow, the One that I want to be like. You came into this earth, and You suffered and died for me. You came to serve others, and I want to follow in Your steps. I thank You for all the places You've brought me to, and all the things You have taught me these past couple years. It has been a ride, but a ride that has brought me closer to You, and has taught me more about my trust and faith in You, and how much my life depends on it. You are all that I need. As I prepare for the next step, may I not forget all that You have taught me, and may I remember that this is all for Your glory, and Your's alone. Amen.

I have been home now for a couple months just about. During that time I've been getting some things together, and preparing for heading out again to San Diego full-time. But as I've been preparing, and getting into the rush of things, I've caught myself forgetting what God has already done in my life. I start thinking so much about what lies ahead, getting nervous about it, and start thinking about all the "what ifs" that my focus becomes more on myself, instead of God and what He has taught me, and what He continues to teach me. I come to realize that my feet need to be placed on the right path again... I need to keep my eyes focused totally on Jesus, letting Him guide me step by step. Remembering that my life is a journey all about faith, trust, endurance, and following in the footsteps of my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm here to be the hands and feet of Jesus. God is the author of my life, and He reminds me not to worry about tomorrow... God already knows what tomorrow is going to be like, He knows what next week, next year, and everyday for the rest of my life are going to be like. I certainly don't, but I know that my life is in His hands.
Everytime I try to take matters into my own hands I am saying God I know it better than you, and I going to do it this way. It reminds me of my teenage "know it all years" when I'd be saying the same things to my parents. My parents were much wiser and smarter than me in those years, yes I still think so now too, and God is all knowing all powerful, and so I must continue to remind myself of that. Knowing that God knows what's best. You'd think I would have learned this by now, but the truth is, I still have to keep reminding myself to trust in God with all my heart.
I will contine to walk forward, and even though I don't know what the future holds, I know Who holds it. God is working in my life day after day, and even now when things are slow, and I am getting anxious to move forward again, God is still preparing me, and working in me. He is getting me geared of for what lies ahead. As I continue to walk forward, I want to always take every step in obedience. It is a great adventure, and what my life is all about.

"Day by day, and with each passing moment, Strength I find, to meet my trials here;Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment, I’ve no cause for worry or for fear. He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure Gives unto each day what He deems best—Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure, Mingling toil with peace and rest."

I will follow in the footsteps of Jesus... I will be a disciple for Him... and I will be all who He wants me to be.

My Letters are Mailed!

Each time I make my trips to the post office, I can't help but to get a sense of nerves and a load of excitement within me. Thinking that once these letters leave my hands and hit the mailbox, I am now one step closer to taking another leap of faith. A huge step and one that sends a whole mixture of emotions. The first time I sent out letters was when I explained to everyone that I was planning on joining a DTS... telling them my story on how God worked through me my entire life, to get to that moment. I walked around a little bit before I put them into the box, thinking does God really want me to do this, what am I getting myself into. I wanted to do it slow, but a lady comes out and tells me I can just throw them all in the big bin she had since I had so many. That made it quicker than what I had anticipated.

Now today a whole new experience is about to unfold. One that's even longer than my DTS. For now I sent out the letters explaining that I am called to be a full-time missionary for God. Meaning that I will be moving out to a whole new ball park. Well not totally new, but the experience itself certainly is. The area not so much. But the thing is my mind races a mile a minute for I know that God has big plans for me, and He has already demonstrated His power through me in incredible ways. I know that I was where God wanted me during my DTS, at just the right time, and everything I went through before my DTS, and during my DTS led me to just where and what God wanted me to do. Not only that but it prepared me even more for what God wants me to do in my future. With all the battles that I faced, some made me feel to the point of throwing in the towls, but I know that God gave me the strength I needed to get through each one.

God has placed a burning desire on my heart to serve, and to tell the world about Him. It started at 10 years old, and at that time I didn't realize that my childhood dream would someday become a reality. But it did. I went through some very hard times and traveled through some dark valleys throughout my life, and the darkest time period was my high school years. (Please read my testimony page for more of my story). But God has been faithful, and He always will be. God is mighty enough to create something as huge as the Grand Canyon, and He takes care of all the living beings within; He is also watching over me, and I am more precious to Him, than the animals within, that being said, I know God will be taking care of me. He will guide my steps, even when it feels like I'm on the rims of the cliff, God won't let me fall.

So now as I prepare for what God has next for my life, I must keep my eyes focused on Him. Letting Him be the Light to my path, and the Light through me in this dark world. The biggest lesson I've learned in my life is to not give up, to keep running, even when it hurts. When the heart starts to burn, and I feel like I can't go another step, God will still be there cheering me on. Saying "you can do it my child, my strength is all you need and I'm carrying you through." I will serve my King and be all who He wants me to be. When the trials come, and the mountains seem to hard to climb, God will always give me the strength to move forward. Yes I'm sure there will be more tough times, but the theme song of my life is Through it All. God promises me that He will be with me through everything, and He is a faithful and loving God who keeps all His promises, and I can rest in His everlasting arms. I'm here to be all who God wants me to be, and nothing else.

Though it All by: Adrae Crouch
I've had many tears and sorrows,I've had questions for tomorrow,there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.But in every situation,God gave me blessed consulation,that my trials come to only make me strong.

Through it all,through it all,I've learned to trust in Jesus,I've learned to trust in God.Through it all,through it all,I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've been to lots of places,I've seen a lot of faces,there's been times I felt so all alone.But in my lonely hours, yes, those precious lonely hours, Jesus lets me know that I was His own

I thank God for the mountains,and I thank Him for the valleys,I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.For if I'd never had a problem,I wouldn't know God could solve them, I'd never know what faith in God could do.

Surgery Complete

Yesterday was my big day. I went in for surgery on my left ear, and had a skin graft from my arm, to help with the healing process in my ear. I had large surgery done on my ear back in may of 2009, and my ear was not healing properly from that surgery. I had the same problem with my right ear, and after the second surgery on that ear, it healed up within a few weeks. The doctor is hoping for the same on my left ear. Right now I'm in a lot of pain but I am glad that the surgery is behind me. It has been a long road, but some amazing things have happened along the way. Because of my ear conditions I kept trying to join a DTS, but each time the door closed. I was finally able to join DTS in September of 2009. During the journey of trying over and over again, God has taught me more about patience, trust, faith, and endurance. All were very important along the journey of DTS, where I had some more battles to face, after becoming sick, ending up in the hospital, and my outreach to Southern Mexico becoming a closed door. It was a very hard thing to go through, but without God's strength holding me up, and His voice leading me through to where He wanted me, I wouldn't have been able to get through it. It was with His guidance, that led me through.
Now as I'm home and laying low for a while I'm also using this time to reflect on what God has done and the things He is preparing me for. God is calling me, and He is leading me. God wants me to continue to serve Him as a missionary. I feel His calling into city ministry. I felt God speaking to me at the very beginning of my DTS already. I heard Him telling me that He wanted me in city ministry of some sort, and at that time I wasn't sure just what that meant. It started off as a small desire that continued to grow throughout my DTS. It was amazing how God led me on a special outreach that focused on that particular ministry in San Francisco. As hard as it was to be separated from everyone else, I loved the ministry I was in, and I knew God planned that all out for a reason. It was His perfect plan, and He continued to teach me to totally depend on Him in all situations good and bad. Following God's will for my life hasn't always been easy, in fact there were many times where it was very hard, and at times it hurt. But it has been the best. There is nothing greater than to be on the road that I'm on, living each and every day in faith, and letting God's amazing power do His work in me.

DTS Final Week, Graduation, and Coming Home

Yep, I'm now home. It has been so crazy this last week that I didn't have any time to write up a blog entry.
It was an amazing week. We had a bond fire on the beach together, and hung out with each other for the final time. Graduation was great, but very hard too. Honestly it was an emotional week and I have been going through a pretty hard time. I didn't get much sleep last week, so adding over tiredness to mixed emotions, adds up to even more ups and downs. On our graduation night, I spoke about my outreach and all the things God did through me during my time in San Francisco. God did a lot through me, and He has showed me what it is He wants me to do for the rest of my life. I'm called to serve in city ministry, and after the doctor sitiuations are behind me, and I'm healed up, I plan on serving in fulltime ministry. Right now I'm praying about where it is God wants me to go. I have a pretty strong nudge that He wants me in San Diego, but I want to keep praying about it, and meditating on it before making any discisions.
Now I'm home, and I'm adjusting to everything again. I must adimit it is pretty hard for me. Reverse culture shock, has hit me big time, and it is something that not many of you understand. Things just don't feel the same as they did before.
But this last 5 months have been the greatest and hardest 5 months of my life. God has completely transformed my life in an incredible way. I have seen and heard so much, and some of it has been great, and other things have been very painful. The stories I've heard from various homeless people, prostitutes, alcoholics, and the drugged, have hit me hard. I can't even tell them without getting tears in my eyes. One guy I witnessed rolling up his drugs getting ready to smoke them. He told me he just doesn't know how to quit. I just looked at him and smiled, and said do you know how much God loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you. Your sins have been forgiven. It's okay to struggle, God gives you the strength to carry through. I asked him if I could pray over him. I just prayed for God to work in his heart, and to take away his addictions, and many other things. But anyways after I said Amen I looked at him and his eyes were full of tears. I asked him if he feels valuable, and if he has a purpose in his life. He told me not really. He basically feels totally worthless. I looked right at him and said you do have a purpose, and you are very much loved. Don't ever forget that. This is just one of many stories I can tell you.
My heart has been broken, and it will never be the same again. I mean this in a good way. I'm ruined for God, and I can never go back to the way things were. I want to keep serving, and now I know more than ever that I'm in the place God wants me. I'm doing what it is He wants me to do. Forever I am changed.

The Change of a Lifetime

I am sitting back here in Mexico, getting reunited with everyone, sharing stories, and hanging out. We have our debreifing this week, and a time to reflect on all of what God has done in us and through us.
As I reflect on everything from the very first day until now, I can see how much my life has changed. I have learned so much about God, and His character, and how much He has worked in me. How He has led me through everything, good and bad. I've learned more and more about what it is God is calling me to do. I read a couple weeks ago in my journal and it was about the goals that I have on this missionary journey. This is a special journal just for this, and I have started writing in it quite a while before I started my DTS. To my surprise a lot of the things God has led me to and I actually had the opportunity to do the things that I said I wanted to do. I said I wanted to reach out to the homeless people somehow, and tell them how much their Savior loves them. I wanted to see tough guys be real, and give their lives over to Christ. I've had a compassionate heart for the lost and hurting people, and it is amazing how God worked everything out just perfectly to where He wanted to use me in powerful ways.
I can recall a time a few years ago when I was back home. I was out with my mom and sister at Walgreens, and outside of the store stood and mother and daughter. They didn't have very much, and they were asking for money for food. We told them we didn't have any money for it really isn't a good idea just to give people on the streets money, for a lot of times they spend it on drugs or alcohol. So we told them, we can bring them some food instead, for we were on our way home to make some hamburgers. They said okay, but they didn't really think we'd actually come back. So after we finished barbequing we wrapped up the hamburgers and were going to bring them to them. When we got back to Walgreens they weren't there anymore. I insisted we keep looking for them, for they couldn't have gotten far. We drove around for a little while, and we ended up finding them at Albertsons. You should have seen the looks on their faces. They were pretty surpised that we actually took the time to find them. We were able to share Jesus with them. They were very grateful and smiled at us, and we then went back home.
That experience was just the very beginning step of what God has been preparing for me. God sent me to San Francisco, to where I was exposed every kind of person imaginable. I loved talking to everyone. When I first arrived I was scared to death. I wasn't sure what I was getting into for nobody really told me anything about the ministry. I looked it up online but that was only a touch about all the things they do. As the days moved on though I knew God was really working in me here, and I felt comfortable talking to all of these people. I had a few bite my head off, and some that didn't want to talk, but for the most part they all wanted someone to talk to.
My life has forever been changed by this experience. I have been going through so much here, and through all the hard times God has never left my side. My faith has been strengthened, and I have learned to trust in God more and more. For sometimes when the hard wave hits life can just go crazy. I've had a few waves crush me pretty hard, to the point where I said I don't want to do this anymore. The enemy has been fighting so hard to get me down, but God has been fighting harder. I know that I have to keep walking in faith, taking every step in obedience. It's not easy, and I'm sure there will be more hard times, but like the times before, I've come out stronger in my relationship with Christ, and it has been a rewarding experience as well.

Final Day in Frisco...

Today is my last day here in this city, for tomorrow I will be boarding a plane heading back to San Diego, and driving down into Mexico. What a journey it has been. It certainly has not been an easy one by any means, but my life has forever been changed. God's amazing power has worked in me in so many ways I can't even begin to describe it all. God has brought me through a road all about faith, trust, endurance, motivation, patience, and completely surrendering to Him. He has showed me what love really is. God has given me such a passion, and inspite of every hardship, trial, change and everything else it took to get to this point, I'm glad that I went through it all, for it was indeed for His glory.
My life has been a journey... but every step of the way God has been there. God had my life planned and formed before I even took a breath. I'm living in God's will, and following Him. Friday night, I had an awesome priviledge to hear one of my favorite speakers from DTS. His message struck me hard, for it is something that I totally related to. I believe it was God's divine appointment, for me, and He wanted me there that night. The message was about following God, and to not get discouraged when it seems as all of Hell breaks loose. It was about Paul... how he was lead by God to go certain places, but ended up with so much hardship, persecution, beatings, and imprisoned. How God showed His power when Paul was in prison, and a mighty earthquake broke the prison walls. But nobody left.
God's hands were in that just as God's hands are on my life. We were challenged with the fact that when we go through hard times people are watching us, and seeing how we react when trials come in our paths. It is a challenge yes indeed, but I know that no matter what happens, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. Trust Him completely for He knows what He is doing. YWAM's mission statement is to know God and to make Him known. Last night we heard a song by that title written for YWAM's 50th anniversary. It was a beautiful song.
One of the lines in that song hit me..."sometimes I wonder is that really you God, for the challenge sounds extreme." God has been speaking to me and yes I've been wondering if that has really been Him. For God is calling me into places, where it sounds way too big for me. The challenges are huge, and I can go on and on. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned here in DTS is never under estimate God's power. For there is nothing God can't do through me, and nothing that is impossible with Him. I am challenged to keep fighting for my King, and serving Him with everything I have. Going to the places He calls me to, and letting Him provide for everything. Not to be afraid of what lies ahead of me, but ato plow through it with confidence and knowing that God is running by my side. I've heard over and over again people doubting me and making me feel like there is no way I can ever do anything that I've said I've felt called to do, but you know what, they can doubt me all they want, for it is not me who will be doing any of it. God will be doing the work through me. People can doubt all they want but nothing is going to keep me from serving God, and being who HE wants me to be.
God is moving in me, and my heart races at the thought of all of it. The fire is burning inside of me. There is so much more ahead of me, and I will not quit. I am standing strong for my King, and God's strength is perfect. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13. That verse was also my 8th grade graduation verse, and also one of my life verses.
The journey is not over, DTS is almost over, but my life of serving God, will keep going until the day He calls me Home. I'm a missionary for Him, and I'm going into the world to tell about His amazing love.

Fear Not

I have talked people here in San Fran that many of you would probably run from. I have heard their stories, I have heard their pain. They are messed up, they smoke heroin, marijuana, other drugs, many have been drunk, many smell, they talk to themselves, stare into space, walk aimlessly, and I can go on and on with the different types of people I've talked to. But I have no fear when I do. I feel joy in my heart, and God's presence is right there with me. God speaks the words right through me, to reach these people. Today I was talking to a man who is not all with it at all. He's bipolar, smokes marijuana, and doesn't make a whole lot of sense when he talks. But you know I liked talking with him. A couple weeks ago he asked me to pray for him. He is my friend. I have quite a few street friends here, and when I walk up the street I do say hi. I talk to the people I come across. It is really an awesome thing. God is moving through me here, He is moving in this city, and lives are being transformed.
I get tired of people thinking that I'm not safe here, or safe in Mexico, or wherever I may be. These people on the streets, the people in Mexico, they're God's children too. They need a friend just like you and I need a friend. I can't imagine sitting on the sidewalks day in and day out without people even noticing me. That would make me feel completely worthless. I'm sure that is the feeling the people on the streets feel, I'm sure they feel like trash, and like they have no purpose at all. I've asked them... they flat out told me, that they don't feel valuable, that they don't have a purpose in life. Today the man I was talking to said to me, "The place you have running here, it gives me a place to go, a place where I feel like I belong. I'd just be roaming the streets if you weren't here." That hit me. Many things have already. My time here has given me a confirmation that this is what God wants me to do. God has been moving in me here. He has spoken to me, many times. I feel Him leading me, and I am getting some nudges of what I'm supposed to do.
I have read in my personal journal entries, and I've had a heart for these people for a very long time. Those who are lost, those who are hurting, and feel hopeless. I have such a passion to reach out to them. To give them a hope, and a place where they can feel accepted. God is working in my heart and He has given me this huge passion, and a dream. I don't know how it's all going to unfold, and I can't see the whole picture, but I feel it deep in my heart that God is leading me in this direction. God is reminding me to keep moving forward, and stepping out in faith. I am not supposed to have it all figured out. God will be showing me what He wants me to do step by step.
God will be by my side every step of the way. He will continue to give me those divine appointments, and I will continue to reach out to these people with no fear. For I have nothing to fear because God is always watching over me. So where God calls me to go next, I will not let fear stop me. I will go where He calls me.

Moving Forward in Faith One Step at a Time

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter our our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the thrown of God." Hebrews 12:1
I have to say, the race I've been running certainly has not been an easy one. There has been many hurdles along the way. But as I look at this verse, I am reminded that I must keep running this race. Keep my eyes on Jesus and my heart totally surrendered to Him. I am reminded that my Heavenly Father is watching over me... and He is running right by my side. I still remember the series my church did on faith one year ago. I think of all the heroes of faith that have gone before me. From Abraham, to Moses, David, Paul, to my dad, and grandparents. I think of them all sitting in the Heavenly grandstands cheering me on. I hear my Heavenly Father say to me, you can do it My child, I will always be with you. I know your fears, I know you feel afraid of what is lying ahead of you. But fear not, for I have already gone before you. You are My child, and you are in the palms of My hands. Don't worry, I feel your pain, I hear your cries. I endured the cross for you. You are mine, and I want you to cry on my shoulders. Tell Me all your fears, all your struggles, give Me your burdens. Know that there isn't anything too big for Me.
I must keep running, I must not loose heart. I think of the surgeries coming up, especially the neck. Yes it does scare me, I'll be honest. I don't know what to expect, or how it's going to feel. But I know that God has already gone ahead of me. He knows and He also will be with me. I think of Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
I must keep going, run and face the hurdles, the hurdles of more surgeries, the hurdles of the unknowns, remembering that God will give me the strength to get through the hurdles. God will provide for me, and He will ease my pain. God wil show me what He wants me to do, lead me to the place He wants me to go. Faith is not about knowing what lies ahead. Faith is going ahead, without knowing. Faith is trusting in God, and Him alone. Stepping forward, without seeing what the next step is going to be. Allowing Jesus to be the Light. Allowing Him to take the lead. Having the hope that Jesus is Lord and Savior of all. He is the almighty, my strength, my Comforter, He is my Healer.
I give God my life. I will continue to serve Him this way. For I know this is what He wants me to do. Who said that serving God was easy? Who said that there wouldn't be any pain? Nobody. Serving God does involve pain, it does involve sorrow. But it gives joy, it gives peace. God gives me what I need, and He gives me endurance, and strength. God gave me life, He has blessed me, and in everything I've gone through God has never left my side. No matter how hard it may get, no matter how much suffering the race will involve, I will not quit. With God on my side, with Him carrying me through, there is nothing else I need. I need to lean harder and harder on Him and Him alone. Keep standing on the promises, and shining in the darkness. Let the Light shine out of me, and not to be afraid of what people may think of me.
I love Jesus Christ with all my heart, and I give my life completely to Him. I will keep looking ahead, and following in His steps, all the days of my life.
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps." 1 Peter 2:21

Felicia came to Town

This week was a wonderful week. On Sunday I was able to spend some time with my up North family for the afternoon which was a nice getaway. I really needed a break, I was really starting to feel pretty run down. Then on Monday morning Felicia from Mexico came up to visit with me for a few days. It was awesome to have her here, and we had a great time. Spent a while in the city on Tuesday walking the Golden Gate, and going down to Fisherman's Warf for a while, had dinner out there, and walked back. It was a fun walk but there sure are steep hills in this city. I felt like I was hiking a mountain! But honestly it was a blast, and I enjoyed every minute of it. We were able to talk and just joke back and forth with each other, and I was able to forget about many things that have been running through my mind. I started to not feel so well again, but Felicia made me call in just to be safe. I went to the doctor, everything is fine, I just have a bug that's going around and I am already feeling a little better. So no worries!!
I do have a lot running through my mind, but I know that I need to let it go. God will take care of it. It is just getting me because I know that DTS is coming to a close, and I just am not sure where I will be going next. I know God knows, and I really just have to keep reminding myself that I am in His hands. I have to get through the surgeries coming up, for sure one, but most likely the next still has to be done too. My ear will be first, which is a quick one, that isn't too big of a deal. Honestly I'm not worried about them so much. I just hope that I can keep going without it being such a setback.
As I've read past entries on here, recently I get reminded that God has been molding me this entire time. Everything that I've gone through has turned out for the good. God promises me that He will work all things for the good, and for His glory. I just have to keep my heart focused in the right place, and not to worry so terribly much. I know that God wants to use me in the mission field and I know He has so much in store for me. He really is preparing me for something far greater than what I can even imagine. He wants to use me in ways that I haven't even thought of. So when my mind starts to take over and I think too much, I have to remember that I am not walking through this alone. I have nothing to worry about because I know that I'm always in the palm of His hands. I know God will provide, and all I have to be doing is moving forward in faith. Keep taking things one step at a time, not one mountain at a time. It is impossible to climb a mountain in one step, and so I can't expect to get to all the places God has for me in one step. God has my entire life planned out, so I really don't want to complete it in one day! So as the next couple weeks come along I will keep my heart and eyes fixed upon Him, and I will remember to keep trusting, and keep moving forward. Please just keep in prayer that I don't lose heart, or patience, and that I remember to keep trusting in God and Him alone.

A Ministry Story

This past Friday night I went out to serve hot chocolate with a group. What we do then is talk with the people on the streets as well as serve them. We talked to a few people but it was the last one we talked to that has stuck with me. We went up to someone named Frankie. He was a nice guy who wanted to pray with us in a circle hands held. We sat on the ground next to him and prayed, all of us taking turns. After everyone in the group had gone he started to pray. He first made a loud barking sound, then said a prayer.
After we all stood up he explained to us that he is better known and dead man walking. He has terminal cancer with not much longer to live, and there is nothing the doctors can do. He said that he will be meeting his Maker real soon.
That story hit me pretty hard. I've heard so many different stories already, and all of them are pretty hard in one way or another. My heart breaks for every one of these people and it does get pretty overwhelming. It's not only the homeless, but the drug users, alcoholics, prostitutes, and so on. The list goes on and on and everybody has a story. I am amazed on how God has led me to so many people, and has given me the courage to talk to them. I love what I'm doing here, and I truly believe God wants me to continue with this ministry. I don't know where God wants me to go next, but I know He has the perfect plan, and me being in San Francisco right now is not just a coincidence. God had that planned out all along, even though I didn't know it. Just like He already has what He wants me to do next all planned out, and He has my whole future all planned out.
I believe God is teaching me something everyday here. I'm growing closer to Him each day, and am learning so much more about Him. I am truly blessed, and I am glad that I am in this ministry. Each day is a growing process and each day I have to keep my eyes and heart on Jesus. I admit sometimes it is hard to do, sometimes I just don't understand. Many times I struggle and have very hard moments. But honestly I know that God is using those moments too and I just have to keep trusting in Him. So I will keep going and waiting too. Taking each day at a time and being who God wants me to be.

Through it All

Many times on the journey I've felt pretty worn out, discouraged, and sometimes ready to say I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes I've wondered what am I doing here, why has there been so many struggles with one battle after the other. Why did it feel like I fought so hard to get to my DTS only to find even more struggles and more battles to face? Sometimes I thought like the battles were all on me and everyone else seemed to have it so much easier. I knew that wasn't true but I convinced my mind otherwise for a long time. Well I don't have straight answers to these questions. What I do know is this God was with me through it all. God never left my side, and my faith was being strengthened.
The past few days haven't been easy on me, in fact it was getting very hard. I was feeling like I was taking in everyone's burdens, and wondering why I was feeling this way. Why did it feel like I just had dead weight laying on me that I couldn't get off. Like I couldn't move, nothing I would do or say seemed to matter. The people coming into our base very unhappy, some yelling at us because things weren't right. Things we couldn't help, but they took it out on us like it was our fault.
Seeing so many people smoking crack, and destroying their lives and watching them handle themselves, and it being obvious that their minds are corrupted, & destroyed because of decisions that they have made for themselves. I sometimes have wanted to shake them, tell them to wake up, snap out of it! I mean I would never do that literally but you know I can't help to feel that way sometimes.
So what is it then? I mean it has been one very hard journey. But why can I say it has been the greatest journey of my life? Why can I say I know that I am right where God wants me, and He wants to use me in this way for the rest of my life? I mean the giants are huge, they sometimes have felt like they've crushed me. There has been pain, there has been sorrow, but I can say through it all God has been there. Through it all God has been my strength, my Source, my Comfort, my Redeemer, my Friend. God has been and is all I need. I can say I am His creation, I am special, and it doesn't matter what people say to me, what people do to me, what medical condition may come up, what crisis may happen, nothing, absolutely nothing can take what I have away from me. Nothing can separate me from God's love, and nothing will make me want to run from His purpose in my life. I'm waiting upon the Lord, and though it may be painful, though there are trials, there is so much more than that. Things that are far greater than what anyone can ever ask for.
When I saw the smiles on women's faces last night when we handed them a flower, when we prayed for them my heart melted. There was a peace, and I knew God was proud, I knew that God was saying this is what I created you for. "Trust Me, I love you and My plan is perfect." God never said that living in His will is pain free, and I know that. So through it all I am blessed beyond measure. Every pain, all the sorrow, and all the trials have been a blessing. God has used all of it, and really if I could live my life again there isn't anything I would change.
Though I have surgeries coming up, though I don't know what my next step is going to be, and how everything I need is going to come into place, I will not stop running, I will not stop fighting, and I will not stop being who God wants me to be. It is an amazing journey and I say that with confidence, and I say it with tears. God is my Father in Heaven who is watching over me. My Father loves me, and He is proud of me. He will hold me close and I know I will never be taken away from Him.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3

Homeless, Drug Addicts, the Lost World

Today I went down on a bus ride with the team to "hippie hill." What a sight, the park itself was beautiful, the people in the park well thatis a whole other story. We made our lunches in the morning, and we all made an extra sandwhich to share with someone else. We had to sit and eat our lunch with somebody in the park. I was in a group sitting with a young gal who was only 20 yrs old. It was really hard to see someone so young destroying her life. Her she sits on the grass with her boyfriend and dog talking about weed. She really was a nice person and we talked with her for quite a while, but still her soul was completely lost. Both her and her boyfriend really wanted nothing to do with Jesus.
The rest of the group was scattered around here and there, and one small group went up to a man and offered a lunch to him. He not only refused it but it went crazy on the guys. Cussing them out and yelling out for everyone to hear. They of course walked away from him, but still this man was just yelling and yelling. I did a lot of observing the people all around me. Honestly my heart was breaking just breaking. I was just wondering how people can be okay with living on the streets, living high off of drugs and being okay with that. I mean I just don't understand it. Honestly it is the part of the journey where it hurts. I want them so badly to come around and realize how much they need Jesus, and how much He loves them and wants that relationship with them. All I can really do is pray for them and love them. Tell them that Jesus loves them, but it is really up to them to accept it. When I see them refuse prayer, or want nothing to do with even talking about Jesus that really hurts. They turn to drugs, material, alcohol and all other desires of the world that is their god. It's just plain horrible.
We walked up and down the streets today on a prayer walk. One guy had just an evil look to him. His eyes were really evil looking from what I heard. I didn't look back but one of the gals in our group did and was telling us about it. People on the streets know who we are, and some mock us, and even worse some are very demon possessed and the spiritual war is on. It's a pretty scary thing and it can't be ignored. Some people want us to pray for them, and many of them have broken down in tears when we do. Their hearts are broken and searching, and they just want someone to love them. It is so hard to hear their stories. My heart really feels so heavy right now, and I really just want to keep reaching out to these people. Remain on my knees in prayer. With God all things are possible, and He can change these people's hearts. San Francisco is probably the most challenging city there is at least one of the highest.
Yesterday I went on a city tour and learned all about the history of the city and some facts about the city. It was a pretty interesting tour. One thing however struck me. San Francisco is the only city in the country and I believe he said in the world that has a gender changing law. Where if you work in the city and you want to change your gender then your employer or company has to pay for it. How sad is that.
I just am praying hard for revival in this land, and I believe God sent me here, as well as many others to be the light in this city. YWAM is very well known in this city, and people are watching us. Lives are being changed, and even though it may not seem like it because there are still thousands of people in the darkness, God's light is moving in. Right now I'm pretty drained out, and sometimes I do feel like I just have nothing left. I mean no matter what I say to these people, and how much kindness I show to them, they just don't get it. But I know that the Holy Spirit has to work in them, and I cannot lose hope on them.
Please pray with me for these people, and the people in this world. Remember that we are living in the Light, in a dark world. God is working through us, and His power is in us, which is an amazing thing. There is nothing greater than that, and God will always be protecting us wherever we go.