Felicia came to Town

This week was a wonderful week. On Sunday I was able to spend some time with my up North family for the afternoon which was a nice getaway. I really needed a break, I was really starting to feel pretty run down. Then on Monday morning Felicia from Mexico came up to visit with me for a few days. It was awesome to have her here, and we had a great time. Spent a while in the city on Tuesday walking the Golden Gate, and going down to Fisherman's Warf for a while, had dinner out there, and walked back. It was a fun walk but there sure are steep hills in this city. I felt like I was hiking a mountain! But honestly it was a blast, and I enjoyed every minute of it. We were able to talk and just joke back and forth with each other, and I was able to forget about many things that have been running through my mind. I started to not feel so well again, but Felicia made me call in just to be safe. I went to the doctor, everything is fine, I just have a bug that's going around and I am already feeling a little better. So no worries!!
I do have a lot running through my mind, but I know that I need to let it go. God will take care of it. It is just getting me because I know that DTS is coming to a close, and I just am not sure where I will be going next. I know God knows, and I really just have to keep reminding myself that I am in His hands. I have to get through the surgeries coming up, for sure one, but most likely the next still has to be done too. My ear will be first, which is a quick one, that isn't too big of a deal. Honestly I'm not worried about them so much. I just hope that I can keep going without it being such a setback.
As I've read past entries on here, recently I get reminded that God has been molding me this entire time. Everything that I've gone through has turned out for the good. God promises me that He will work all things for the good, and for His glory. I just have to keep my heart focused in the right place, and not to worry so terribly much. I know that God wants to use me in the mission field and I know He has so much in store for me. He really is preparing me for something far greater than what I can even imagine. He wants to use me in ways that I haven't even thought of. So when my mind starts to take over and I think too much, I have to remember that I am not walking through this alone. I have nothing to worry about because I know that I'm always in the palm of His hands. I know God will provide, and all I have to be doing is moving forward in faith. Keep taking things one step at a time, not one mountain at a time. It is impossible to climb a mountain in one step, and so I can't expect to get to all the places God has for me in one step. God has my entire life planned out, so I really don't want to complete it in one day! So as the next couple weeks come along I will keep my heart and eyes fixed upon Him, and I will remember to keep trusting, and keep moving forward. Please just keep in prayer that I don't lose heart, or patience, and that I remember to keep trusting in God and Him alone.

A Ministry Story

This past Friday night I went out to serve hot chocolate with a group. What we do then is talk with the people on the streets as well as serve them. We talked to a few people but it was the last one we talked to that has stuck with me. We went up to someone named Frankie. He was a nice guy who wanted to pray with us in a circle hands held. We sat on the ground next to him and prayed, all of us taking turns. After everyone in the group had gone he started to pray. He first made a loud barking sound, then said a prayer.
After we all stood up he explained to us that he is better known and dead man walking. He has terminal cancer with not much longer to live, and there is nothing the doctors can do. He said that he will be meeting his Maker real soon.
That story hit me pretty hard. I've heard so many different stories already, and all of them are pretty hard in one way or another. My heart breaks for every one of these people and it does get pretty overwhelming. It's not only the homeless, but the drug users, alcoholics, prostitutes, and so on. The list goes on and on and everybody has a story. I am amazed on how God has led me to so many people, and has given me the courage to talk to them. I love what I'm doing here, and I truly believe God wants me to continue with this ministry. I don't know where God wants me to go next, but I know He has the perfect plan, and me being in San Francisco right now is not just a coincidence. God had that planned out all along, even though I didn't know it. Just like He already has what He wants me to do next all planned out, and He has my whole future all planned out.
I believe God is teaching me something everyday here. I'm growing closer to Him each day, and am learning so much more about Him. I am truly blessed, and I am glad that I am in this ministry. Each day is a growing process and each day I have to keep my eyes and heart on Jesus. I admit sometimes it is hard to do, sometimes I just don't understand. Many times I struggle and have very hard moments. But honestly I know that God is using those moments too and I just have to keep trusting in Him. So I will keep going and waiting too. Taking each day at a time and being who God wants me to be.

Through it All

Many times on the journey I've felt pretty worn out, discouraged, and sometimes ready to say I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes I've wondered what am I doing here, why has there been so many struggles with one battle after the other. Why did it feel like I fought so hard to get to my DTS only to find even more struggles and more battles to face? Sometimes I thought like the battles were all on me and everyone else seemed to have it so much easier. I knew that wasn't true but I convinced my mind otherwise for a long time. Well I don't have straight answers to these questions. What I do know is this God was with me through it all. God never left my side, and my faith was being strengthened.
The past few days haven't been easy on me, in fact it was getting very hard. I was feeling like I was taking in everyone's burdens, and wondering why I was feeling this way. Why did it feel like I just had dead weight laying on me that I couldn't get off. Like I couldn't move, nothing I would do or say seemed to matter. The people coming into our base very unhappy, some yelling at us because things weren't right. Things we couldn't help, but they took it out on us like it was our fault.
Seeing so many people smoking crack, and destroying their lives and watching them handle themselves, and it being obvious that their minds are corrupted, & destroyed because of decisions that they have made for themselves. I sometimes have wanted to shake them, tell them to wake up, snap out of it! I mean I would never do that literally but you know I can't help to feel that way sometimes.
So what is it then? I mean it has been one very hard journey. But why can I say it has been the greatest journey of my life? Why can I say I know that I am right where God wants me, and He wants to use me in this way for the rest of my life? I mean the giants are huge, they sometimes have felt like they've crushed me. There has been pain, there has been sorrow, but I can say through it all God has been there. Through it all God has been my strength, my Source, my Comfort, my Redeemer, my Friend. God has been and is all I need. I can say I am His creation, I am special, and it doesn't matter what people say to me, what people do to me, what medical condition may come up, what crisis may happen, nothing, absolutely nothing can take what I have away from me. Nothing can separate me from God's love, and nothing will make me want to run from His purpose in my life. I'm waiting upon the Lord, and though it may be painful, though there are trials, there is so much more than that. Things that are far greater than what anyone can ever ask for.
When I saw the smiles on women's faces last night when we handed them a flower, when we prayed for them my heart melted. There was a peace, and I knew God was proud, I knew that God was saying this is what I created you for. "Trust Me, I love you and My plan is perfect." God never said that living in His will is pain free, and I know that. So through it all I am blessed beyond measure. Every pain, all the sorrow, and all the trials have been a blessing. God has used all of it, and really if I could live my life again there isn't anything I would change.
Though I have surgeries coming up, though I don't know what my next step is going to be, and how everything I need is going to come into place, I will not stop running, I will not stop fighting, and I will not stop being who God wants me to be. It is an amazing journey and I say that with confidence, and I say it with tears. God is my Father in Heaven who is watching over me. My Father loves me, and He is proud of me. He will hold me close and I know I will never be taken away from Him.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3

Homeless, Drug Addicts, the Lost World

Today I went down on a bus ride with the team to "hippie hill." What a sight, the park itself was beautiful, the people in the park well thatis a whole other story. We made our lunches in the morning, and we all made an extra sandwhich to share with someone else. We had to sit and eat our lunch with somebody in the park. I was in a group sitting with a young gal who was only 20 yrs old. It was really hard to see someone so young destroying her life. Her she sits on the grass with her boyfriend and dog talking about weed. She really was a nice person and we talked with her for quite a while, but still her soul was completely lost. Both her and her boyfriend really wanted nothing to do with Jesus.
The rest of the group was scattered around here and there, and one small group went up to a man and offered a lunch to him. He not only refused it but it went crazy on the guys. Cussing them out and yelling out for everyone to hear. They of course walked away from him, but still this man was just yelling and yelling. I did a lot of observing the people all around me. Honestly my heart was breaking just breaking. I was just wondering how people can be okay with living on the streets, living high off of drugs and being okay with that. I mean I just don't understand it. Honestly it is the part of the journey where it hurts. I want them so badly to come around and realize how much they need Jesus, and how much He loves them and wants that relationship with them. All I can really do is pray for them and love them. Tell them that Jesus loves them, but it is really up to them to accept it. When I see them refuse prayer, or want nothing to do with even talking about Jesus that really hurts. They turn to drugs, material, alcohol and all other desires of the world that is their god. It's just plain horrible.
We walked up and down the streets today on a prayer walk. One guy had just an evil look to him. His eyes were really evil looking from what I heard. I didn't look back but one of the gals in our group did and was telling us about it. People on the streets know who we are, and some mock us, and even worse some are very demon possessed and the spiritual war is on. It's a pretty scary thing and it can't be ignored. Some people want us to pray for them, and many of them have broken down in tears when we do. Their hearts are broken and searching, and they just want someone to love them. It is so hard to hear their stories. My heart really feels so heavy right now, and I really just want to keep reaching out to these people. Remain on my knees in prayer. With God all things are possible, and He can change these people's hearts. San Francisco is probably the most challenging city there is at least one of the highest.
Yesterday I went on a city tour and learned all about the history of the city and some facts about the city. It was a pretty interesting tour. One thing however struck me. San Francisco is the only city in the country and I believe he said in the world that has a gender changing law. Where if you work in the city and you want to change your gender then your employer or company has to pay for it. How sad is that.
I just am praying hard for revival in this land, and I believe God sent me here, as well as many others to be the light in this city. YWAM is very well known in this city, and people are watching us. Lives are being changed, and even though it may not seem like it because there are still thousands of people in the darkness, God's light is moving in. Right now I'm pretty drained out, and sometimes I do feel like I just have nothing left. I mean no matter what I say to these people, and how much kindness I show to them, they just don't get it. But I know that the Holy Spirit has to work in them, and I cannot lose hope on them.
Please pray with me for these people, and the people in this world. Remember that we are living in the Light, in a dark world. God is working through us, and His power is in us, which is an amazing thing. There is nothing greater than that, and God will always be protecting us wherever we go.

Dangerous vs. Safe

You may be wondering the reason behind the title of this journal entry. I really felt led by the Spirit to write something up about it. Many of you probably wonder about my safety. I'm doing great. I don't feel fear when I'm talking to people in the building, or people outside the building. I feel completely protected by God's surrounding arms. I have gotten to know some amazing people living on the streets. I've learned from them, and really they are people who just want a friend. Many times we see homeless people sitting on the sidewalks and how many times do we walk or drive by them without saying a word.
God has called me here, and I know that, and honestly this is only the beginning of what God is calling me to do. I know that God wants me in this ministry I've said it several times, and it is amazing how God keeps giving me that confirmation that I'm in the right place. This Sunday I went to an amazing church called the Journey. It was really similar to CrossPoint in many ways, and it made me feel almost like I was home. They are doing a series called Beyond GPS, Knowing and Doing the Will of God. It was quite the message, and I couldn't have heard it at a more perfect time. I've been struggling a little with that, and following His will for my life. I feel Him tugging at me, and I am not sure if I want to go that direction. Now that is the dangerous thing. If I decide not to follow God's will for my life because of fear, or the unknowns, or what is on my mind most of all going away from people I know and love the most and taking another big step out of my comfort zone then I will start to walk on dangerous grounds. I know that I have to follow God's will for my life, and I want to follow God's will for my life. Is it hard, yes it is. I will be honest it is hard at the moment, but you know that's okay. Like the pastor said on Sunday, following God's will for your life is not the escape for hardship, suffering or persecution, if anything it's the start.
God is calling me to step into places that are not the safest places on Earth, but they are the safest place to be when I'm working for God's glory. Everything I'm doing here it's not for myself, it is for God and God alone. When I think about where God wants me to be He is not calling me back to Mexico, or San Diego. I want to stay there, but my reasonings are very selfish, and that is not what I want to be. It's not about me, and even though I felt very close to all the people there, I felt comfortable there, and really could picture it now, the passion for ministry is not there. I mean their ministry is great but that is not the ministry God is calling me to.
I will wait upon the Lord, I will serve Him with all my heart. God is calling me again to take a step of faith, again what I heard on Sunday. I have lost count on how many times I've heard keep stepping forward in faith these past several months. But it is something that I never get tired of hearing. It always reminds me and hits me as if it was the first time I've heard it. So even though downtown San Francisco may not be known as "safe" it is safe because it is where God wants me to be. Being where God wants me to be is the safest place in the world no matter where that may be. Being where God doesn't want me to be is the most dangerous place in the world. I choose to follow Him and I will go where He says go. Seeing the smile on a homeless person's face when you just say hi to them, I must admit that is an incredible experience in itself. Seeing them light up when they've accepted Jesus that experience is indescribable. It is just beyond amazing.

Days with the Homeless

Lately I've been doing a lot of hanging out with homeless people, drug addicts, alcoholics, and other individuals. I've been talking to some, playing some ping pong, and just observing. Some can scare me, others break my heart. Today I met a guy who is trying to change his life around, he said he accepted Christ, but still has problem with cocaine and alcohol. He is trying to quit but he says that when he is off of it for a while he has a hard time controlling his temper. I've also met a lady who one day bit my head off, and wanted nothing to do with anybody, and the next day acted like she was my best friend. There are quite a few people who are very messed up in this city, and need Jesus in their lives. I did not expect all the experiences and talks I had already before arriving to San Fran. Really it is hard, very hard, and very much a heart breaking, yet incredible experience. To be able to witness first hand the amazing power of God, and allowing that power to fire through me. One homeless lady asked me how do you do it? How are you a missionary, do you always know what you're doing, how do you know what to say to people. I told her this is not something that I just do on my own, but it is God's power that is working through me. I don't always know what to say or how to respond, but it's the Holy Spirit who does. There is no way that I can just go up to a drunk person, or crazy person on my own. Well I didn't say that part of it, but it's true God has given me a lot of courage that is for sure. These people can be pretty scary to approach. Yes I still have to keep somewhat of a distance, and not make it obvious but there are always others around in case somebody does snap for some reason.
This is a huge challenge, but you know I really love what I'm doing here. God has given me a lot of strength for this and endurance. I never thought in my life that I'd be doing these kind of things. If someone were to ask me a year ago would you want to go to one of the roughest areas of the city and share Jesus, I would probably have looked at them like uhhh, well and most likely just given them a look. Not saying much of anything. But thinking I really don't know if I want to get shot doing the job. Now I am in a pretty rough spot of town, but it's not the worst. It is awesome to be able to share Jesus with these people, to see the glow on their faces when they've accepted Him. When they long for that relationship, and really want to turn their lives around. Even though it hasn't been an easy road, it has certainly been the best. I will continue to do what God has called me to do, and He called me to city ministry, and I'm going to run after that call. It is an amazing and life changing experience and one that I want to continue for the rest of my life.

First Days in San Francisco

I am now pretty much settled in the YWAM base of Frisco. It has been quiet since most of the staff have a few days off for New Years, and there are not students at this time, they'll be here in a couple of days.
I arrived New Year's eve, and met some people and was able to hang out with some of them and watch the fireworks over the Bay Bridge. Let me tell you, you are exposed to every kind of person you can think of in this city, on that holiday, homeless people, drunk people, homosexual, couples arguing in the streets, extreme partiers, and you name it. Right across the street from the base they have a line of homeless people hoping to have a place to sleep for the night.
It is heart breaking to see so many hurting, lost, hungry, hopless people all around me. I never realized it but I've been pretty blind to those kind of things. I mean I know they're out there all around the world, but I don't think about it everyday. Today I was eating a subway for lunch, and really I had a hard time eating it. Each bite I took I kept thinking about the hungry people. Today I saw a lady sleeping right on the sidewalk... no pillow no blanket, nothing, she just had a thin sweatshirt and pants keeping her warm. As I look all around me tears start to well up, and my heart wants to just reach out to these people, sit next to them, and be the hands and feet of Jesus. Do what Jesus would do. Share Jesus with them, and with God working through me, give them hope. Hope found only in Jesus Christ. God placed me in a challenging city, that's for sure, but He placed me here, for a reason. I believe that He wants to use me to reach out to these people, and to sit by there side, and be a friend. Something that these people don't have many of, if any.
As I look only a couple of blocks away I find myself seeing a whole different group of people. The wealthy, and those who appear to have it all. But do they? Well only God knows, but many of them are also lost and hurting people. They just have their money to hide in. Now of course I'm not saying this is true for all of them, but a lot of them. There is one of the fanciest hotels I've ever see just down the street from here. Limos and black cars with a man picking up people, gold everywhere. About 20 feet away the homeless are begging for money, and for some food to have. This city needs Jesus. I believe that God has confirmed it in more ways than one that He wants me in city ministry. God is preparing me now, and He has opened my eyes, ears, and heart to something huge. It is going to be a challenge, and rather large challenge, but if God placed me here, He will lead me here. He strength is perfect, and there is no challenge too big for Him to handle. I give this to Him, and I know that He will use me in many different ways here.