When does it Make Sense?

That is a question that I often think to myself. I've come to those times in life many times. I think I lost count to be honest with you. There has been times when I have said it just isn't fair. I don't understand why the road has turned in ways that weren't on my map. I probably will never understand completely why things happened the way they do. It has been a long time since I've written and shared with you all the latest on my life. I wasn't quite sure what to say since there hasn't been a ton of changes. However as I am writing this now, I felt God leading me to share more in depth about what's up. There have been those times that discouragement has sunk in. It honestly can be very hard at times to stay uplifted and find joy in tough circumstances. Sometimes I've felt totally blue. The times when I do is usually when I'm asking the big question of "why?." You know, there is no solid answer to that question. God allows me to have those "blue" moments, but He also brings me out of them. I have to remember that God sees the big picture and I don't. I may not see the purpose of this time of waiting and healing, but it is more than a time of waiting and healing, it is a time of preparation for what is yet to come. God has used me in ways that I don't always know, and He continues to. God has been working in me my entire life. My attitude should be Christ-minded and it is not my will but His will. The way that God uses me is for Him to be glorified. THrough all of the suffering and tough trials in life, I have the hope that, "Does not put me to shame, because God's love has been poured out into my heart through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to me." (Romans 5:5 emphasized) Though my attitude isn't always good, I want to always try to walk in the footsteps of Jesus and be like Him. My life has been filled with challenges, but God has been so faithful and He always will be. I don't always understand God's road map but I want to be sure that my map matches His. God is my navigator and the driver of my life. Even though it may look like we're stranded in the middle of no where, God knows where we're going, and I can throw my map out the window and trust that God will lead me through the mountains, the hail storms, and every where else. There is no better place to be than in the hands of my Savior.

Up, Down, Sideways,,& Every Which Way

Allow me to tell you my life story of the past couple months. No need to worry, it will be the quick version, then as always the lesson taught will be shared... so sit back, listen to the music and read along. Ready? OK, here it goes....

Mid-February, a weekend of severe pain. Two trips to the ER, first in San Diego, then home in Ontario. I was admitted to the hospital in Ontario for a few days. A week later, another round of pain in the low back and legs. That pain was new, so back to the ER for me. Admitted again, and the pain in the left leg especially persisted. I then lost my ability to walk. A week and a half later, a check-up with my neurologist, and primary doctor on the same day. While at my primary doctor's office, my body collapsed while sitting in my wheelchair. My doctor had no choice but to send me back to the ER, only this time by ambulance. Never been in one of them before. I spent 10 1/2 hours in the ER before the doctor decided to show up. That was a long and painful wait. When the doctor finally did show, he treated me like a I was an invalid child. Laura gave him a piece of her mind and we were all laughing at the fact that he ran out of the room and never to be seen again. I was admitted for the third time for a couple days. So that's the story in a nutshell.

What's up with me today? Well, I'm still learning to walk again. I've been in a wheelchair for about a month now. I"m getting stronger, but it has been a long process with physical therapy and exercises at home. I know why my dad referred to physical therapy as the torture chamber. It does help make me stronger but it does hurt. There hasn't been a real diagnosis to what has been the cause, other than bad side affects to the lumbar puncture and blood patch. I have continued to fight through the pain, in my legs, back, and abdominal area. My head has been it's normal self. It has been a month of frustrations and some discouraging times as well.

However, what I say often to myself is, "God's got this." That simple phrase says it all. No matter what doctors say to me, I'm not in their hands, I'm in God's hands. My life story has been about trust, patience, and endurance. God guides me and holds me through it all. He has a plan far greater than what I can imagine it to be. I know that God wants me to reach out to the hurting and lonely people of this world. He has called me to follow in His steps and walk in obedience to Him. It is painful, and it is hard, but with God on my side I can get through anything because, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

If you are struggling with pain of any kind today, know that you are not alone. Though it may seem like one dark tunnel ahead of you there is a light on the other side. One day you will reach that light. Trust in Jesus, He'll continue to light up your path and carry you through. No matter what you're going through, there is nothing that God can't handle. I understand it is a painful journey, but just remember that God's got this. If you need prayer, let me know how I can pray for you. Right now you can pray this prayer with me:

Father, the pain hurts. It hurts terribly. But oh how faithful you are. God I don't understand why it has been one thing after the other. I do know that You use each trial for a greater purpose. You promised me that. Please help me to trust You more. May I never forget that You are in control. Through all the storms of life You always lead the way. I can't remember a time when You weren't there for me. I can't remember a trial that You didn't comfort me. I know that no matter what You never will fail me. I love you Lord. I will continue to serve You until the day You call me home. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Struck Down But Not Destroyed

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

What a verse to absorb in our hearts. I mean wow. I don't know about you, but it sure speaks to me. it justs one of those that is so relevant to me, it has been for a long time, but everytime I hit rock bottom I come back to this verse. I am struck down, but I am not destroyed. I was hospitalized again two times just recently with very severe pain. When I say severe, I mean I wanted to die right then type of severe. It was brutal that's all I will say about that. I have been back home in Ontario this weekend after an all night stay in the ER Friday night. I came back to the ER very sick Sunday afternoon. I was released on Tuesday with a ton of meds. I was returned to the ER friday night for more severe pain and admitted again. I returned home on Wednesday. Now I can't walk and I have to be totally dependant on others, a wheelchair, and a walker. It is humbling, but really hard. Stuff I was so used to just getting up on my own to get, has become such a big deal. There are all these steps involved just getting to bed, or the kitchen table. The pain intensifies greatly when I stand. But in all of this I know that God is working it out for the good. I know there is a reason why I have to fight this battle. God is fighting it with me, and He is making me a warrior.

Back to the verse. Though the enemy is trying every force in the universe to strike me down, God has been fighting him for me and He has been my ultimate strength. He has been on my side through every battle of my life and there sure has been a lot of them. But you know, my faith continues to grow through every battle I face. Remember Simon from the crowd when Jesus was on His way to be crucified? He was the first man to pick up the cross and follow in the footsteeps of Jesus. Paul is one of my heroes in the Bible, Stephen is my other one. Paul was one of the greatest missionaries in history. If you read the Bible, there are many stories that tell about Paul's journey and the hardships he had, but what faith he had. When he wrote the theme verse of this journal entry, I can almost feel his heart as he was writing it. He continued to give God the glory through every storm and every blessing of his life. Now Stephen another great man of faith was called home early in his life because he refused to deny his faith in Christ. He was stoned to death because of it, but Jesus was right there with him.

Though I've faced trial after trial mainly with family deaths, health problems, and other stuff, God has been right there. Like God has given the strength to every other man and women of faith in the Bible and other people in history, He has done the same with me. The narrow road is a tough one. To be a true follower of Christ doesn't mean a pain free life. The Bible tells us we will have many troubles. Some have more than others, but nonetheless we all have our own cross to carry. What do you do when you are struck by the enemy's sword? Get down on your knees and pray. Get into God's Word and cry out to Him. He promises to carry us through and to never leave our side. I will be honest it is so hard for me right now. The pain is very intense, and I am worn out. But you know, I will continue to let God be in control of my life. Jesus in the driver and I'm hanging on for it is one wild ride. But no matter what, I will not stop serving my Savior, and I will continue to carry the cross and follow in the footsteps of my Savior, Jesus Christ. For He is with me always to the very end of days. Until God calls me home I will continue to tell the world of His great love throughout those city streets.

Bumpy Roads

Sometimes I can get pretty sick of going over those bumps that come along my path. You know what I mean? Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes my attitude is like, "can't I just get through stuff without so many hurdles?" Is it okay if I be honest here? I mean I like to be real when I write. I write what is on my heart, and I love to share what God teaches me because that is a lot! I always think of Hebrews 12:1 I feel like that is the theme verse of my life, because it says we must throw off everything and run with perseverance. It gets rather difficult sometimes to keep running when you're tired and your heart is burning. But we never have to run in our own strength. God gives us the strength to run each race, and He promises that He will never leave us. What do we do when we have an attitude of I just can't do it anymore? Maybe you feel just plain sick of running and moving forward. We are human, and sometimes we do feel that way don't we? It is okay, but when we are tempted to have that sour attitude, we have to seek God and ask Him to help us turn it around. Something that I like to do when my heart is downcast and I feel really low with a rotten attitude I like to stop and think about all that I have.

I have many blessings. It helps me to stop and think about that. I also like to read the Psalms because David writes so much about what he is feeling. I can relate to a lot of it and I like to make it personal and pray those Psalms. God wants us to pray what is on our hearts, and He is always there to listen anytime day or night. When I spend my time focussing on God and how much He loves me and spend less time feeling sorry for myself, it feels as though I have had an attitude turn-around and everything becomes so much greater. So when you face that bump in the road it is your choice on how you handle it. I enourage you to be real about it. Talk to God about how you are feeling, and you may want to find a trusted friend and allow them to be your prayer warrior. That is one of the greatest blessings you can have is someone who will pray with you, and more than that a heavenly Father who will always be there listening to your cries. You can find shelter in His arms. So turn on some encouraging worship music, lay your head back, and allow yourself to melt away in the arms of Jesus. There is no greater place to be.

Christmas Time is Here

Merry Christmas everyone! It is a glorious time of year, isn't it? Last weekend I was able to travel to Mexico for the first time in several months and be a part of the staff conference as well as the all base staff Christmas party. I was encouraged greatly. God had a lot to share with me but something that I felt was most important for me to know was that God has been working in me and is able to do much more than I can ever imagine. Grant it I already knew that, but lately I haven't been necessarily taking that to heart as much as I should have been. I have fought a lot with discouragement off and on and many times have let that get the best of me. God has been very patient with me and last weekend I believe He had a lot that He taught me and reminded me of. I am very thankful that God continues to use my weaknesses for His glory and in spite of the difficulties, He becomes strong in me. He reminds me to keep looking up into the face of Jesus and to trust Him always. There isn't anything that is impossible with Him.

Maybe this Christmas is a difficult time for you. Maybe you have lost a loved one and are experiencing a lot of pain. Or maybe you or a loved one are fighting a difficult illness. Maybe you are dealing with financial hardship. Maybe you are struggling with discouragement. Or maybe you are far away from family and feel like you have to spend Christmas alone this year. Whatever it is that you are facing, know you are not facing it alone. I know what you may be thinking, that's easy for me to say. I do understand what it means to go through a hard time. I have had many experiences in my life that most people my age have not dealt with. What has helped me to overcome it, is God's amazing grace. His strength is what has ultimately kept me going. His strength is what will carry you through as well. Life can be very hard at times. But God is so faithful. Trust God with all of your heart. Though you may continue to struggle and face hardship, you are not ever walking it alone. God is walking through those dark valleys with you. One day you will make it to the other side and reach the top of that mountain. Keep climbing and don't give up.

God loves you. That is what Christmas is all about. Love came down over two thousand years ago through a little baby born in Bethlehem, born in a stable. The King of kings came down from heaven above and became one of us. He was born to die. Why? All because He loved us so much. He took all of our pain upon Himself. His name is Jesus. Emmanuel. God with us. God is with us. He loves us and He understands what you go through each day. Not matter what it is. This Christmas may you remember the true meaning. May you experience the everlasting love of your Father in Heaven. Have a very blessed Christmas my friends. Always remember God loves you more than you can imagine.