Through it All

Many times on the journey I've felt pretty worn out, discouraged, and sometimes ready to say I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes I've wondered what am I doing here, why has there been so many struggles with one battle after the other. Why did it feel like I fought so hard to get to my DTS only to find even more struggles and more battles to face? Sometimes I thought like the battles were all on me and everyone else seemed to have it so much easier. I knew that wasn't true but I convinced my mind otherwise for a long time. Well I don't have straight answers to these questions. What I do know is this God was with me through it all. God never left my side, and my faith was being strengthened.
The past few days haven't been easy on me, in fact it was getting very hard. I was feeling like I was taking in everyone's burdens, and wondering why I was feeling this way. Why did it feel like I just had dead weight laying on me that I couldn't get off. Like I couldn't move, nothing I would do or say seemed to matter. The people coming into our base very unhappy, some yelling at us because things weren't right. Things we couldn't help, but they took it out on us like it was our fault.
Seeing so many people smoking crack, and destroying their lives and watching them handle themselves, and it being obvious that their minds are corrupted, & destroyed because of decisions that they have made for themselves. I sometimes have wanted to shake them, tell them to wake up, snap out of it! I mean I would never do that literally but you know I can't help to feel that way sometimes.
So what is it then? I mean it has been one very hard journey. But why can I say it has been the greatest journey of my life? Why can I say I know that I am right where God wants me, and He wants to use me in this way for the rest of my life? I mean the giants are huge, they sometimes have felt like they've crushed me. There has been pain, there has been sorrow, but I can say through it all God has been there. Through it all God has been my strength, my Source, my Comfort, my Redeemer, my Friend. God has been and is all I need. I can say I am His creation, I am special, and it doesn't matter what people say to me, what people do to me, what medical condition may come up, what crisis may happen, nothing, absolutely nothing can take what I have away from me. Nothing can separate me from God's love, and nothing will make me want to run from His purpose in my life. I'm waiting upon the Lord, and though it may be painful, though there are trials, there is so much more than that. Things that are far greater than what anyone can ever ask for.
When I saw the smiles on women's faces last night when we handed them a flower, when we prayed for them my heart melted. There was a peace, and I knew God was proud, I knew that God was saying this is what I created you for. "Trust Me, I love you and My plan is perfect." God never said that living in His will is pain free, and I know that. So through it all I am blessed beyond measure. Every pain, all the sorrow, and all the trials have been a blessing. God has used all of it, and really if I could live my life again there isn't anything I would change.
Though I have surgeries coming up, though I don't know what my next step is going to be, and how everything I need is going to come into place, I will not stop running, I will not stop fighting, and I will not stop being who God wants me to be. It is an amazing journey and I say that with confidence, and I say it with tears. God is my Father in Heaven who is watching over me. My Father loves me, and He is proud of me. He will hold me close and I know I will never be taken away from Him.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3